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Stranded tourists to be fired from a cannon!

Started by Airfix, April 19, 2010, 04:31:47 PM

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Airfix

From the Daily Mash

STRANDED TOURISTS TO BE FIRED FROM A CANNON
19-04-10

THOUSANDS of British tourists stranded in Calais will begin their journey home today by climbing into the end of a giant cannon pointed roughly at Kent.


Ministers insist that some people won't die


As the Icelandic volcano attack entered its fifth day, the government said long-range artillery was now the best option for getting people back to the UK as all the boats had been reserved for trade unionists, Guardian readers and friends of JK Rowling.

Lord Mandelson, secretary of state for whatever the love he wants, added: "Only the 14 richest people in Europe can now afford to travel by Eurostar, while Dan Snow and his rag-tag armada of inflatable dinghies have almost certainly been eaten by whales."

This morning British embassy staff are setting up a deli counter ticket dispenser at Cap Gris Nez near the French port and asking tourists to form an orderly queue.

When their number is called, each 'passenger' will be given a bicycle helmet, a banana and magazine to read during their flight before being fired from the cannon at just under 78mph.

They will then soar across the English channel, at least 20ft below the deadly ash cloud, before hopefully landing in a large inflatable mattress that has been set up in the car park of the Folkestone branch of Sainsbury's in Bouverie Road West.

After returning the magazine and the helmet they can walk to the local station and take their chances with the UK rail network.

Tom Logan, his wife Helen and two of their three children will be fired as a group at 10.30am.

He said: "Apparently the cannon can only take four at a time, so we've had to leave one behind. We went for the special one one. I'd imagine the French will probably just eat him."

British Airways will today carry out a series of test flights in a bid to calculate exactly how much it will cost them when planes start dropping out of the sky, while Ryanair has cancelled all of its flights until Wednesday, though aviation experts stressed this is probably just an elaborate tax dodge.

Meanwhile the quiet, clear blue skies above the UK have prompted speculation over what the world would be like without contraptions.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "According to my computer, it would take ages to get to Australia, but, by the same token, it would also take an awfully long time for Australians to get here. Which would, of course, be excellent."

HatterDon

I had no idea that y'all had your own version of The Onion.

Brilliant find, Airfix.
"As long as there is light, I will sing." -- Juana, la Cubana

www.facebook/dphvocalease
www.facebook/sellersandhymel

The Equalizer

MET OFFICE FINALLY BLAMED       
20-04-10
AFTER five days of disciplined self-control Britain finally gave in last night and blamed the Met Office for volcanoes.


Suzanne Charlton lounging on a wall instead of reading about volcanoes
Across the country vaguely annoyed people found themselves rolling their eyes at the very mention of the Met Office before launching into a hellish 20 minute monologue about why it has always been rubbish when it comes to magma.

Meanwhile a Facebook campaign has been launched demanding an inquiry into why it took so long to blame the national weather forecaster as Twitter users exchanged ideas on the best way to kill and cook Philip Avery.

Roy Hobbs, a television viewer from Peterborough, said: "If something is happening in the space above my head then surely that's the responsibility of the Met Office. And if not then I honestly don't know what the Met Office is for. I really don't."

He added: "Last summer my neighbour put a small amount of petrol on his barbecue causing some black smoke to drift across into my garden. I immediately phoned the Met Office and asked them what the hell they were playing at, but after spending an hour and 45 minutes trying to explain to me in a calm and reasonable manner that barbecue smoke was not within their remit, they eventually told me to just love off. That's the sort of people we're dealing with."

A Met Office spokesman said last night: "I genuinely hope that you all die."

But NATS, the air traffic control service, defended the the Met Office and released a film of a fully laden passenger jet plummeting from the sky and crashing into the ground in a massive fireball.

NATS deputy director, Tom Logan, said: "It's really a question of how many of these you're willing to put up with. If it's 40 or 50, then that's fine. We'll crack on."

Meanwhile council workers in Kent are still scraping off tourists who slammed into the White Cliffs yesterday after being fired across the channel from Calais.

The coastguard confirmed the search had been called off for most of the human cannonballs, though one family from Hastings complained there was a barely-conscious fat man stuck half way through their kitchen window clutching an amazingly cheap bottle of wine.

But one tourist had an unlucky end to his cross-channel flight. Bill McKay was coming into land at the Sainsbury's car park in Folkestone when two delivery men crossed his path carrying a trampoline.

Mr McKay ricocheted off the device in the direction of Portsmouth where a second pair of trampoline delivery men sent him hurtling towards Swindon where he then landed in the yard of an air bed factory before bouncing over a fence and into the path of the 12.45 from Paddington to Bristol Temple Meads.
His friend Julian Cook said: "Bill lived in Wantage, so he was actually getting closer with each bounce. What a shame."
"We won't look back on this season with regret, but with pride. Because we won what many teams fail to win in a lifetime – an unprecedented degree of respect and support that saw British football fans unite and cheer on Fulham with heart." Mohammed Al Fayed, May 2010

Twitter: @equalizerffc