NFR Jokes

[Peabody]

I hope this doesn't offend anyone but I am in a similar position to most of these





Garage Door. The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing
his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.  His assistant walked up to him and said,
'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told
her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled  by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up.
He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door
was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat tyres..


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting
on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.' 
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour .. 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'


Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'



One more.. .. ...!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[Sheepskin Junior]

 064.gif

[epsomraver]

Nice one Mr P  :005: :005:lot of truth in those.and for fs stop starting with worrying if they will offend, I was like that once  :021: took advice and now" F**k em"

[e4b]

 :005:as always MR P

[blingo]

Nice one Mr P  :005: :005:lot of truth in those.and for fs stop starting with worrying if they will offend, I was like that once  :021: took advice and now" F**k em"

+1

[Southcoastffc]

Good stuff again Mr P!  All too recognisable :-(   

This is one of my favourites:

Two old men had been friends for years and had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.  Lately, their activities had been limited to a few rounds of golf.  One day, trudging to the next tee, one looked at the other and said: "Now don't get angry. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name!  I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. So, please tell me what your name is."  His pal glared at him for at least three minutes, just staring without saying a word before finally he said: "How soon do you need to know?"   092.gif

[jarv]

 064.gif brilliant.

[love4ffc]

Love them all


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[filham]

Great stuff Peabody and absolutely no need to worry about jokes that are based on those of us that are getting on a bit. We grew up learning that humour was the spice of life and that good humour has to be based on an element of truth.

[mitimo]

If we can't laugh at ourselves we are in a very poor state.  One of the casualties, I guess, of the PC world.

Keep 'em coming!!

[ron]

The chap goes into the chemist and asks for some talcum powder.

"Certainly, Sir" said the chemist, "would you care to walk this way....?"

"Well" says the customer, "if I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder in the first place......."