The Premier League -- what women think your team says about you
We're not going to go into the football, because although we like to think so, we don't really know what we're talking about. We know some people who do mind.
With a new season comes new pressures, new signings and new dramas. Football is a fickle mistress, so we wanted to know what our lady-friends make of our team. What does our team say about us? Can you tell anything about a man from the team he supports?
We found a girl and serious football fan who reckons you can, Adele Forrest, relationship expert and Asylum regular reckons you can tell a fair bit about a man by which polyester shirt he pulls on of a Saturday morning.
To find her new season lowdown, keep reading.
Aston Villa: "Brummies are a funny bunch. Dour, loyal and unpretentious, they make good, steady boyfriends. They're sort of practical but they're never realistically going to topple the big four. The problem with Villa fans is they're the type of men who shop in Burtons and we could pretend there is nothing wrong with that, but there is, really."
Typical date: Tour of a dour local Cathedral.
Arsenal: "Arsenal fans are generally quite a middle-class bunch. They're more likely to be at a match networking, and then spend the best part of the next week moaning about their side. Basically they're quite cool, ambitious people but they tend to be a bit flaky. All style, no substance."
Typical date: Lunch in Strada.
Birmingham: "What kind of man supports Birmingham? Brummies who are even more dour than Villa supporters -- which is basically as dour as you can get. Everyone knows the Brummers are a good-bunch and Birmingham fans are a pragmatic, down to earth types -- good boyfriend material."
Typical date: Roller-disco.
Blackburn: "My ex was a Blackburn fan, could never see anything through till the end, not 90 minutes of football, not five minutes of... Anyway. Blackburn are the team you always kind of half-forget about, and that's what it says about you if you're a fan. Forgettable. A bit-part player. An also-ran." Harsh.
Typical date: Orienteering.
Blackpool: "Being a Blackpool fan is like being a kid who just discovered a trunk full of pick and mix in the loft -- you're about as excited as you're ever going to get. Being a Blackpool fan says "I'm a happy-go-lucky kind of kind of guy and to be honest I'm out of my depth".
Typical date: Pleasure Beach?
Bolton: "Bolton fan? It says: Long-term investment. There is no chance of you going-off and getting relegated or sodding off to Europe. Bolton fans are the type of boyfriends who are going to be with you through thick and thin, very occasionally they might even surprise you."
Typical date: Whippet chasing.
the dark side: "the dark side fans, well, actually, the dark side fans are sometimes unfairly maligned. There are two types of the dark side fans: Pre-Abramovich and post-Abramovich. The former are as loyal as any fans in the Premier League, and therefore would make a great boyfriend. The others are glory-supporters who'd dump you the second a pretty floozie came along."
Typical date: Ice skating followed by some more cliches.
Everton: "Bless Everton. Perennial second-placers, but they're really on-the-up I reckon. Being an Everton fans says basically "I'm going places in my own time." They've steadily built over the last few years, so as a boyfriend you'll have to be patient with them, but eventually they'll bring home some silverware, which is metaphor for like, something cool"
Typical date: A brisk walk followed by some iced-buns from Greggs.
Fulham: "Tough one Fulham. What are there fans like? Well Fulham is actually a pretty affluent area, their fans tend to be pretty well off, but equally Craven Cottage is one of the smallest, most bucolic grounds in the Premier League. So if you're a fan it says, "I'm well-off, I'm successful and I've got substance." That's pretty much the perfect boyfriend."
Typical date: Clay pigeon shooting.
Liverpool: "Being a Liverpool fan says "I'll put up with anything." Often they're living in the past, living on former glories and no one wants a fella who's constantly telling them how great they used to be, but that's what they're like. They're the type of boyfriend who has potential but they're hamstrung by what they used to be."
Typical date: Orange Wednesdays at the Odeon.
Man City: "Pffff. Man City. They're a crude bunch aren't they? Basically all the ingredients are there, good hair, nice clothes, good job, but then, at the same time, it just doesn't work. Like their team, they've got all the necessary parts, but they can't make them work together."
Typical date: Shopping at the Trafford Centre.
Man Utd: "Man United fans are like those old successful men, fat from the fruits of their glory, complacent and smug. They don't make great boyfriends because they don't really need you. Or they think they don't. They'll never really put any effort in because they always think something better is just around the corner."
Typical date: Some show-off restaurant, followed by a show-off bar.
Newcastle: "Bless Newcastle. Back in Premier League, they've felt a lot of despair in recent years. A team that have gone from being a nailed-on member of the big four to being relegated. Only Leeds' fall from grace has been more spectacular. This experience has made them more humble and therefore much better boyfriend candidates."
Typical date: Dinner followed by a video of Alan Shearer's greatest goals.
Stoke: "The Potters. Big, simple, affective. It might sound rude, but actually lots of girls like that sort of man, a reliable, pragmatic kind of chap. They're the loudest fans in the Premier League and women love that kind of shout-out-loud loyalty. Occasionally though, they can get a bit ugly."
Typical date: Pot spinning.
Sunderland: "Sunderland are a weird bunch. Relegation candidates? Not likely. Europe? No chance. They're lower-mid-tablers and they know it. As boyfriends they're a bit uninspiring. If you're a Sunderland fan it says to a girl I'm not ambitious but I'm loyal."
Typical date: Fish and chips in a bus stop.
Tottenham: "Tottenham fan? Yeah actually I think Tottenham are a sexy side, they play really attractive attacking football and they've got a bit of character like Harry Redknapp. Being a Tottenham fan says you're hot and you're a bit of an eccentric. Very attractive."
Typical date: A Tottenham match, followed by board games.
West Brom: "Yo-yo team West Brom. Who's their most famous fan? That's right, Adrian Chiles. Not, I think womankind would agree, a conventionally unsexy man, but certainly charismatic. The Baggies actually play a pretty attractive brand of football only they're defence is pretty dodgy. Being a West Brom fan suggests you don't mind losing if you look good doing it."
Typical date: Bowling.
West Ham: "The Hammers are a side known for their swashbuckling footie. Well, they used to be, and under Zola things seemed to be going well until the difficult second season. A change of owners and management later and things are looking considerably less rosy. West Ham fan? It says former genius now engulfed in depression."
Typical date: Picketing the Upton Park board room.
Wigan: "Comically stuffed by Blackpool on the opening day things are looking grim for Wigan. And as boyfriends they're not much better, 90% of the time they're woeful, but on occasion, they can do something absolutely beyond comprehension, like beat the dark side or buy you some roses."
Typical date: Dinner at his mums.
Wolves: "Scary and hilarious. That's really all I've got say. Their manager Mick McCarthy's World Cup commentaries were something to behold and his team's football is equally down-to-earth. They'll survive this year and probably build on it next. In boyfriend terms, they're a solid investment, like coco beans or cotton."
Typical date: Crazy golf.
Read more: http://www.asylum.co.uk/2010/08/16/the-premier-league-what-women-think-your-team-says-about-you/#ixzz0wmSozkFG