News:

Use a VPN to stream games Safely and Securely 🔒
A Virtual Private Network can also allow you to
watch games Not being broadcast in the UK For
more Information and how to Sign Up go to
https://go.nordvpn.net/SH4FE

Main Menu


OK as its quiet on here let's have some jokes.

Started by f321ffc, June 08, 2017, 01:02:37 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

f321ffc


A couple decide they have to tighten up their belts. She says, "You're spending £16 a week on 24 cans of beer, that has to stop".

A week later he says, "Hang on your spending £28 a week on make up".

She says, "Yes, but that's to make me look lovely and attractive". He says, "That's what the beer was for !! "
Growing old is mandatory
Growing up is optional

Lighthouse

A man sitting alone in an empty pub. He has a cloudy pint of beer in front of him. A sign saying 'out of order' hangs on the jukebox. The darts match advert for next week has 'cancelled' written across it. He says to the bored bartender. 'Nothing ever stops me going out to enjoy myself.'
The above IS NOT A LEGAL DOCUMENT. It is an opinion.

We may yet hear the horse talk.

I can stand my own despair but not others hope

f321ffc


A bloke sitting at the bar in an airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him and shouted "What the f#ck do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh,
Ryanair!!!
Growing old is mandatory
Growing up is optional


Woolly Mammoth

How do you know when you have run out of invisible ink ?
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.

Woolly Mammoth

I never wanted to believe that my flat mate was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.

westcliff white

Every day is a Fulham day


cookieg

I took an old vase to Antiques Roadshow the other week.

I said to the bloke "I think it's a Ming". He said "No, it's a Minge, it's got a crack in it"

Woolly Mammoth

Quote from: westcliff white on June 08, 2017, 01:42:08 PM
i thought the OP asked for jokes

As Tommy Cooper once said, always keep your sense of humour.
The higher a Monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind. 
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.

Woolly Mammoth

Teamwork is important, it helps put the blame on someone else.
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.


toshes mate

A Benny Hill special from me: 'Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect'

westcliff white

Quote from: Woolly Mammoth on June 08, 2017, 01:55:40 PM
Quote from: westcliff white on June 08, 2017, 01:42:08 PM
i thought the OP asked for jokes

As Tommy Cooper once said, always keep your sense of humour.
The higher a Monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind. 
The great TC was probably right , but not everyone finds the same things funny
Every day is a Fulham day

mrmicawbers

Not sure joke but made me laugh.Worked up in Shoreditch many moons ago. Sign post with Golders Green 5 miles an somebody had written underneath.
To you 2 1/2.


Woolly Mammoth

#12
Quote from: westcliff white on June 08, 2017, 02:03:37 PM
Quote from: Woolly Mammoth on June 08, 2017, 01:55:40 PM
Quote from: westcliff white on June 08, 2017, 01:42:08 PM
i thought the OP asked for jokes

As Tommy Cooper once said, always keep your sense of humour.
The higher a Monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind. 
The great TC was probably right , but not everyone finds the same things funny

Ok you may be right, but tell me, does this rag smell like chloroform to you ?   
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.

westcliff white

Quote from: Woolly Mammoth on June 08, 2017, 02:06:37 PM
Quote from: westcliff white on June 08, 2017, 02:03:37 PM
Quote from: Woolly Mammoth on June 08, 2017, 01:55:40 PM
Quote from: westcliff white on June 08, 2017, 01:42:08 PM
i thought the OP asked for jokes

As Tommy Cooper once said, always keep your sense of humour.
The higher a Monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind. 
The great TC was probably right , but not everyone finds the same things funny

Ok you may be right, but tell me, does this rag smell like chloraform to you ?   
probably to you it does.

I love a good joke, just in a reflective mood today
Every day is a Fulham day

toshes mate

And from the wonderful Mr Cooper "I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years."


Woolly Mammoth

The first time I got a remote control, I said to myself, this changes everything. 
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.

Fulhamfan666

Why do elephants wear green tennis shoes?
So they can walk across pool tables without being seen. Have you ever seen an elephant walk across a pool table?
No.
See? It works

Fulhamfan666

This is from Euro 2016, but;

"Oh I can't wait to see the Austria-Hungary game!"
"Yeah? Who are they playing against?"


Woolly Mammoth

It's hard to understand how a cemetery raised its funeral prices, and then blamed it on the cost of living.
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.

Woolly Mammoth

How many letters in the alphabet ?   18.
Because ET went home on a UFO, and the FBI went after him. 
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.