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OK as its quiet on here let's have some jokes.

Started by f321ffc, June 08, 2017, 01:02:37 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

BigbadBillyMcKinley

My wife left me for my unhealthy obsession with Linkin Park.

But in the end, it doesn't even matter.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Everything is difficult before it's easy!

Woolly Mammoth

To the man wearing camouflage and walking with crutches, who took my wallet. You can hide, but you can't run.Β  Β 
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.

f321ffc

I went to a fancy dress hire shop yesterday to get a vampire costume for a party and the girl behind the counter gave me Chelsea kit. I said "Sorry love I think you misheard me, I want to look like a count"
Growing old is mandatory
Growing up is optional


Woolly Mammoth

I walked into WH Smith & Sons this morning, and went straight up to the woman at the counter and asked her, " do you keep stationary " ?Β  She replied, " yes right up until the last minute, then I go like the clappers ".
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.

f321ffc

Bloke shouted to his wife "Love come upstairs and have a look at my clock?"

So she enters the bedroom and see's her husband naked with an errection

She says "That's not a clock!"

He replys "It soon will be with two hands and a face on it"
Growing old is mandatory
Growing up is optional

Woolly Mammoth

We now live in a society where a Pizza gets to your house before the police.
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.


mrmicawbers

Quote from: f321ffc on June 18, 2017, 09:16:57 AM
I went to a fancy dress hire shop yesterday to get a vampire costume for a party and the girl behind the counter gave me Chelsea kit. I said "Sorry love I think you misheard me, I want to look like a count"
Like it.

Woolly Mammoth

#87
Some people say,
" if you can't beat them join them ".
I say, " if you can't beat them, beat them ".
Because they will be expecting you to join them.
So you will then have the element of surprise.
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.

filham

Wife on mobile to husband " Your dinner is ready and your not here, I suppose you are down at the pub again. If you are not back here in ten minutes I am going to give your dinner to the dog"

Husband ,just starting his second pint " What has the poor dog done to upset you"


Forever Fulham



"Now, class, who can tell me what caused the American Revolution to break out?" asked Mrs. Humphries to her freshman Economics class.
"Taxation," replied a student in the front row.
"Very good, Sherry."Β  The teacher then turned to a boy whose hand was waving.Β  "Yes, Andrew?"
"I have a question, Mrs. Humphries.Β  How come they teach that we won?"


MaidenheadMick

Not everybody knew Dr Spock had three ears. He had a left ear, a right ear and a final frontier.

f321ffc

I asked my wife what she wanted for Her birthday She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.
Growing old is mandatory
Growing up is optional


ToodlesMcToot

A man is sitting in his living room on the day of his 50th Wedding Anniversary, sobbing. His wife comes in the room, sees him drowning in his own tears and asks "Why are you so upset honey?"

Husband -Β  " Do you remember the first day we made out on the front porch of your house, when your father came out and caught us? "

Wife - "Yes. Of course I do"

Husband - "Well, I've never told you this but, that wasn't the end of it. After you walked into the house, your father told me he was a judge in town and he could kill me if he wanted to and that nothing would ever be done about it. He told me that I had 3 choices. He could shoot me in the head. He could sentence me to 50 years in prison. Or, I could marry you that very day."

Wife - "So, then, why are you crying?"

Husband - "I was just thinking that I could be getting out of prison today"
"Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man." β€” The Dude

ToodlesMcToot

What's the difference between a dog barking incessantly in the back yard and a wife shouting in the front yard?

The dog will stop barking if you let it back in the house.
"Yeah, well, you know, that's just, like, your opinion, man." β€” The Dude

Woolly Mammoth

#94
A woman gets on a bus with her baby, and the driver says. " Ugh ! What an ugly baby. "
The woman was naturally upset and went straight to the back of the bus, sat down next to this bloke, and said, " the driver insulted my baby, and said it was ugly, I am so upset. "
The bloke said, " I would not stand for it, go back up to the driver and give him a piece of your mind, I will hold your Monkey for you. "
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.


ealex40

#95
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poo!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet.

Woolly Mammoth

#96
Sad news that the worlds tallest, and best preserved banana has finally expired.
So long, old fruit.Β 
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.

f321ffc

I was at home with the wife watching telly and drinking wine. Out of 
the blue, the wife says, "I love you."

"Is that you or the wine talking?" I ask

"It's me," says the wife. "Im talking 
to the wine."
Growing old is mandatory
Growing up is optional


Woolly Mammoth

If I have told you once, I have told you a million times, dont exaggerate.
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.

Woolly Mammoth

#99
How do you avoid infection from biting insects ? πŸπŸ›πŸ¦‹πŸŒπŸžπŸœπŸ•·
Don't bite them.Β  064.gif


A brunette was visiting her friends house who was a blonde, and could hear her cheering in delight.
The brunette asked what had happened, and the blond replied she had just completed the last piece to a very difficult Jig saw puzzle.
The brunette asked how long did it take.
The blonde replied, well on the box it says 3 to 5 years, but I did it in just over a month.
Its not the man in the fight, it's the fight in the man.  🐘

Never forget your Roots.