NFR looking for your best puns

[General]

Rediscovered my appreciation for witty puns recently and looking for your best.

Two to get the ball rolling...

The only thing flat earthists fear is sphere itself...

I met a man who crushed cans for a living the other day..... soda pressing.

[Southcoastffc]

2 pretty awful efforts:

I've been reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down.


A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre but was caught when his van ran out of gas. All the thief could say for himself was: "I had no MONET to buy DEGAS to make the VAN GOGH. But I tried for it anyway because I had nothing TOULOUSE.

[Beamer]

We got a new cleaner recently, a nice Eastern European girl. Dusting and polishing like a whirlwind but hours wandering around with the hoover-turned out she was a Slovak.
Thanks folks, I'm here all week.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I have a soft spot for Robbie Savage, its a large swamp in Africa.

[Camel Club]

A woman walked into my pub, strode up to the bar and asked me for a double entendre. Naturally, not wishing to disappoint the lovely lady,  I gave her one. Thank you...................

[Southcoastffc]

A woman walked into my pub, strode up to the bar and asked me for a double entendre. Naturally, not wishing to disappoint the lovely lady,  I gave her one. Thank you...................

Ahem........

Southcoastffc


Re: Any chance I can slip in a few silly jokes today?
« Reply #22 on: June 10, 2018, 10:00:17 AM »

One of my all time favourites:

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.

[bog]

A woman says I don't think we should pay for tax on tampons. Period.

Thank you and good night


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[abfg]

Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got 12 months.

I used to miss my ex-wife. Then my aim improved.

Doctor: You're obese
Patient: I want a second opinion
Doctor: You're ugly too

[Fulham Tup North]

There was a guy in front of me in Tesco yesterday. In his basket he had a single chicken breast, two loose potatoes, a small tin of sweetcorn, a small individual trifle and one bottle of beer. The woman serving him scanned all of his items, looked up at him and said "Your single aren't you"!, "How can you tell"? said the fella. The woman said "Because you flipping ugly" !😜
Thank you 👍👏😀

[Holders]

Rediscovered my appreciation for witty puns recently and looking for your best.

Two to get the ball rolling...

The only thing flat earthists fear is sphere itself...

I met a man who crushed cans for a living the other day..... soda pressing.

The first is possibly the best I've heard but the second one had me puzzled, probably because we don't call fizzy drinks soda in the UK. 

Not really a pun but: "I say, I say, I say, my wife went to Wiltshire". "Your wife went to Wiltshire - Jamaica?". "No, she went of her own Devizes".

[ron]

How about these that appeared on my fathers' day card from my daughter this morning..

What do you call a fake noodle?  An impasta......

How does a polar bear build his home?  Igloos it together.......

What do you call a fat psychic?   A four-chin teller.......

....and on top of that a pair of fancy cufflinks and a glass of bubbly. Brilliant!

[abfg]

Seeing as it's a football board:

I remember when villa thought they had signed a world class full back. They were wrong. It was Hutton dresses as Lahm.

[Southcoastffc]

Seeing as it's a football board:

I remember when villa thought they had signed a world class full back. They were wrong. It was Hutton dresses as Lahm.

Now that IS good.  064.gif

[epsomraver]

Seeing as it's a football board:

I remember when villa thought they had signed a world class full back. They were wrong. It was Hutton dresses as Lahm.

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[Holders]

An inadvertent one today: I went to see my vet who had referred my dog to an appointment with a specialist called Peri. She does one day a week at another practice and I said that she must be peripatetic then.

[rogerpbackinMidEastUS]

I took a blonde out for a drink the other night.
She asked me if I had any children.
"I do, I have one just under two"
"I may be blonde but I know what one is"

[keithh]

I've told you a million times to stop exaggerating.

[Neil D]

Time to raise the cultural level a tad:

Guy walks into a tailor's in Ancient Greece with a pair of trousers.  The tailor says 'Euripides?'.  Guy says 'Eumenides?'

[OdecaMynoT]

Two gay cowboys.

1st Cowboy,; 'Y'up?'

2nd Cowboy; 'Y'ep'.