Attorney Humour/Humor

[Forever Fulham]

      These are ATTORNEY questions taken from a book called
Disorder in the American Courts.  These are real people answers said in
court, word for word, taken down by court recorders and now published by
the people who experienced the torment of staying calm while they were
recording these actual sentences.
      
      ATTORNEY:   Are you sexually active?
      WITNESS:    No, I just lie there.
      ________________________________
      ATTORNEY:  What is your date of birth?
      WITNESS:   July 18th.
      ATTORNEY:  What year?
      WITNESS:   Every year.
      _____________________________________
      ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
      WITNESS:   Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
      ______________________________________
      ATTORNEY:   This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
      WITNESS: &n bsp;  Yes.
      ATTORNEY:   And in what ways does it affect your memory?
      WITNESS:    I forget.
      ATTORNEY:   You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
      _____________________________________
      ATTORNEY:   How old is your son, the one living with
you?
      WITNESS:    Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can ' t
remember which.
      ATTORNEY:   How long has he lived with you?
      WITNESS:    Forty-five years.
      ______ _______________________________
      ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to
you that morning?
      WITNESS:   He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
      ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
      WITNESS:   My name is Susan.
      ______________________________________
      ATTORNEY:   Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?
      WITNESS:    We both do.
      ATTORNEY:   Voodoo?
      WITNESS:    We do.
      ATTORNEY:   You do?
      WITNESS:    Yes, voodoo.
      ______________________________________
      ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn' t it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn' t know about it until the next
morning?
      WITNESS:   Did you actually pass the bar exam?
      ____________________________________
      ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
old is he?
      WITNESS:   Uh, he ' s twenty-one.
      ________________________________________
      ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
      WITNESS:   Would you repeat the question?
      ______________________________________
      ATTORNEY:   So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
      WITNESS:    Yes.
      ATTORNEY:   And what were you doing at that time?
      WITNESS:    Uh....
      ______________________________________
      ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?
      WITNESS:     Yes.
      ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?
      WITNESS:     None.
      ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?
      ______________________________________
      ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?
      WITNESS:    By death.
      ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?
      ______________________________________
      ATTORNEY:   Can you describe the individual?
      WITNESS:    He was about medium height and had a beard.
      ATTORNEY:   Was this a male or a female?
      ______________________________________
      ATTORNEY:   Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
      WITNESS:& nbsp;   No, this is how I dress when I go to
work.
      ______________________________________
      ATTORNEY:   Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
      WITNESS:    All my autopsies are performed on dead
people.
      ______________________________________
      ATTORNEY:   ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
      WITNESS:    Oral.
      ______________________________________
      ATTORNEY:   Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
      WITNESS:    The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
      ATTORNEY:   And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
      WITNESS:    No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy on him!
      ____________________________________________
      ATTORNEY:   Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
      WITNESS:    Huh?
      ___________________________________ _________
      
      And the best for last:
      
      ATTORNEY:   Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
      WITNESS:    No.
      ATTORNEY:   Did you check for blood pressure?
      WITNESS:    No.
      ATTORNEY:   Did you check for breathing?
      WITNESS:    No.
      ATTORNEY:   So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
      WITNESS:    No.
      ATTORNEY:   How can you be so sure, Doctor?
      WITNESS:    Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
a jar.
      ATTORNEY:   But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
      WITNESS:    Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law.

      

[Mr-ska]

Love lists like this..  made me chuckle.

[Burt]

I am sure Mr Gilroy will have something to say about this thread  :dft011:

[TonyGilroy]

I am sure Mr Gilroy will have something to say about this thread  :dft011:

They're good but they've been in circulation at least 20 years. I doubt that they're true.

I haven't done any court work for years - I found the whole procedure wasteful and depressing. I don't remember many laughs as everyone involved is horribly stressed. Jokes by the lawyers go down like lead balloons for that reason.

You'd get as good justice by flipping a coin and at least it would be cheap.

There ought to be much better ways of handling conflict.

[Holders]

Seen in a town in Co. Down: Mr Lawless, solicitor.

[TonyGilroy]

Wright Hassell are a well known firm.

I don't know if Careless & Co still exist.

[Forever Fulham]

Who remembers Bob Hope's favorite law firm, Dewey Cheatham & Howe?

[The Equalizer]

I've seen this about once a year since I first got internet, in 1995, and it never fails to make me chuckle!

[NogoodBoyo]

I obviously don't spend enough time on the internets because I had never seen these before.  Very funny indeed.
Nogood "lawerly humour, isit" Boyo
P.S.  Nearly as good as "Great Welsh Film Titles".

[YankeeJim]

I don't know if the list is true or not but having given technical testimony on behalf of my company in a number of liability cases over the years, I'll tell you that sharp, legal minds are not doing personal injury nor basic criminal cases.

[jarv]

good stuff. 064.gif

[gerrys]

I've seen this about once a year since I first got internet, in 1995, and it never fails to make me chuckle!

Yes me too, but I still laughed again....