NFR Joke

[Peabody]

.
Telling jokes is not a competition but as I have been challenged, I will try this one.

But come on everyone, let's hear yours, at least jokes have the facility to cheer everybody up


YOUR PARROT IS DEAD SENOR

Ernesto... Now here's a guy who knows how to skillfully dole out bad
news in manageable portions.


At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the
caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

'Si, Senor, that's the one.'

'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did
he die from?'

'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Yes Senor Rod! , he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because
of a candle?? !!'

'Yes, Senor Rod..'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super
Quad 460 golf club.'


SILENCE . . . . .. . . .LONG SILENCE . . . . . . ..


'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep poo!!'

[dannyboi-ffc]

And that ladies and gents is why we dont tell jokes on this forum. Peabody owns that slot.

Fair play, you pulled it out the bag there.

Legend  :Haynes The Maestro:

[Logicalman]

And that ladies and gents is why we dont tell jokes on this forum. Peabody owns that slot.

Fair play, you pulled it out the bag there.

Legend  :Haynes The Maestro:

Danny, don't be a wimp, fight back man, where's the 'winnie-fight-them-on-the-beaches' in you sir?  :028: 

battle of the jokesters coming up ......  and we'll all be the winners  :005:

[grandad]

Some get jokes from books. Some hear them in pubs, work places, TV. My jokes tend to come from real life experiences. After all I am a Fulham supporter. That is no joke.

[dannyboi-ffc]

And that ladies and gents is why we dont tell jokes on this forum. Peabody owns that slot.

Fair play, you pulled it out the bag there.

Legend  :Haynes The Maestro:

Danny, don't be a wimp, fight back man, where's the 'winnie-fight-them-on-the-beaches' in you sir?  :028: 

battle of the jokesters coming up ......  and we'll all be the winners  :005:

Im tired logical man (you sound like a superhero, not a very good one but still a superhero). Cant I just enjoy peabody's jokes without needing to beat it.

All I want is to laugh the night away and live like a king. Ill be Henry VIII and peabody can be my jester!

How about another joke P Man, and this time I want you to make it up lol!

[Logicalman]

Living in the south provides a host of amusing ditties and new meanings.... so here are a few of the favorites ::

Medical terms:

Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
Cesarean Section: District in Rome
Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: Punctuation Mark 
D & C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker   
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labor pain: Hurt at work
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrate: Cheaper than day
Outpatient: Person fainted
Post op: Letter Carrier
Rheumatic: Amorous
Tablet: Small table
Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
Tibia: Country in North Africa
Tumor: More than One
Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited


Computer Terms:

BYTE: What those black flies do
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the firewood off the truk
ENTER: Northerner talk for "C'Mon in y'all"
FLOPPY DISC: What you get from tryin to carry too much firewood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
KEYBOARD: What you hang the truck keys on
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
MEGA HERTZ: When yor not careful picking up the firewood
MODEM: What you did to the hay fields
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
PORT: Fancy Northerner wine
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
SOFTWARE: Those plastic knives & forks
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside

[Hurby]

Living in the south provides a host of amusing ditties and new meanings.... so here are a few of the favorites ::

Logicalman, these are really witty! And I have not heard most of them ever. Cheers!

[BigbadBillyMcKinley]

Life lesson:-

If you have a stutter, avoid using the word "ghost". Otherwise, people might think there is one behind them.

[Peabody]

You asked for it Danny but I am not clever enough  to make them up.


A turtle was sunning himself on the beach of a lovely desert island, suddenly a very poorly octopus dragged itself along the sand. "Hello squid, how are you mate?". "Not very well, I feel terrible". The turtle looked on with concern and said "what's wrong with you?". The octopus said  "I got washed up by last nights storm and can't get back,  I am drying up but I need to get to. The other side of the side of the Barrier Reef".  The turtle said "climb onto my shell and I will swim you out there".

After showing much gratitude, the octopus climbed on the Turtles back and they began their journey. The squid kept saying how grateful he was and the turtle told him to think nothing of it. Eventually the reached the barrier reef, made their way across it and the turtle shouted "shark, here's the sick squid I owe you".

[dannyboi-ffc]

You asked for it Danny but I am not clever enough  to make them up.


A turtle was sunning himself on the beach of a lovely desert island, suddenly a very poorly octopus dragged itself along the sand. "Hello squid, how are you mate?". "Not very well, I feel terrible". The turtle looked on with concern and said "what's wrong with you?". The octopus said  "I got washed up by last nights storm and can't get back,  I am drying up but I need to get to. The other side of the side of the Barrier Reef".  The turtle said "climb onto my shell and I will swim you out there".

After showing much gratitude, the octopus climbed on the Turtles back and they began their journey. The squid kept saying how grateful he was and the turtle told him to think nothing of it. Eventually the reached the barrier reef, made their way across it and the turtle shouted "shark, here's the sick squid I owe you".

Brilliant! its one of the highlights of coming on this forum. Your jokes are superb.

[rogerpbackinMidEastUS]

Sorry for gatecrashing......No I'm not  :0)

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:
Mongrel, Coot and Bluey.
As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me,
someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says. 'When she answered the door,
I said to her, "You must be Coot's widow."
She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'
Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are.'

[rogerpbackinMidEastUS]

Living in the south provides a host of amusing ditties and new meanings.... so here are a few of the favorites ::

Medical terms:

Artery: Study of paintings
Bacteria: Backdoor to cafeteria
Cesarean Section: District in Rome
Cat Scan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Coma: Punctuation Mark 
D & C: Where Washington is
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker   
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labor pain: Hurt at work
Morbid: Higher offer
Nitrate: Cheaper than day
Outpatient: Person fainted
Post op: Letter Carrier
Rheumatic: Amorous
Tablet: Small table
Terminal Illness: Sick at Airport
Tibia: Country in North Africa
Tumor: More than One
Urine: Opposite of 'you're out'
Varicose: Nearby
Vein: Conceited


Computer Terms:

BYTE: What those black flies do
DOWNLOAD: Gettin the firewood off the truk
ENTER: Northerner talk for "C'Mon in y'all"
FLOPPY DISC: What you get from tryin to carry too much firewood
HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time
KEYBOARD: What you hang the truck keys on
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hotter.
MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof
MEGA HERTZ: When yor not careful picking up the firewood
MODEM: What you did to the hay fields
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn
PORT: Fancy Northerner wine
SCREEN: What to shut when it's black fly season
SOFTWARE: Those plastic knives & forks
WINDOWS: What to shut when it's cold outside

Nice one L       M 

[Peabody]

Roger, your too late with the first  one it was on here years ago