NFR Lexophilia - I hope Peabody doesn't mind me intruding

[Tony]

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again?  Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns.  It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians here first?  They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first.  Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?  A thesaurus.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.  The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

[Dixie]

"I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time."

Made me laugh out loud in the office! I am going to be nicking several of these and claiming the credit

[BigbadBillyMcKinley]

Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.
The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend - "Hey, why don't you try this ball." He draws a green golf ball out of his bag. "Use this one - You can't lose it!" 
His friend replies, "What do you mean you can't lose it?!!" 
The first man replies, "I'm serious, you can't lose it. 
If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it." 
Obviously, his friend doesn't believe him, but he shows him all the possibilities until he is convinced. The friend says, "Wow! That's incredible! Where did you get that ball?" 
The man replies, "I found it." 

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