Friday funnies

[Burt]

Somebody threw a bottle of omega 3 capsules at me. I only have super fish oil injuries but I'm lucky I wasn't krilled.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I woke up this morning and couldn't remember which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

[jarv]

 064.gif brilliant/

[Woolly Mammoth]

My cat is recovering from a massive stroke.

[epsomraver]

Just sold my hoover. it was only gathering dust

[epsomraver]

My doctor says I am a Hypochondriac, I said " oh no! not that as well!

[Woolly Mammoth]

I saw an add for burial plots, and I thought this is the last thing I need.

[OdecaMynoT]

This is for real;

Check this out before you snuff it; Burnham Funeral Directors..........Doh
http://www.burnhamfuneralservicesltd.co.uk

[Woolly Mammoth]

This is for real;

Check this out before you snuff it; Burnham Funeral Directors..........Doh
http://www.burnhamfuneralservicesltd.co.uk

I know I am getting old, the other day I passed a cemetery and two guys attacked me with shovels.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, the second one didn't. 

[Woolly Mammoth]

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my Lawyer reckons he can get me five.

[Delboy]

I saw two workmen with shovels wandering aimlessly around the cemetery, I thought, they've lost the plot.

[Woolly Mammoth]

A piece of advice.   

Never play Leap Frog with a Unicorn 🦄

[keithh]

As we're resurrecting old jokes..............the bus driver stopped his bus today as it was misfiring and got out to check the engine, he lifted the covering panel & perplexedly looked at the engine - a young lady got off the bus and asked the driver "would you like a screwdriver?" to which he replied "not now love, I'm trying to fix the engine".

[Ed]

When I die I want to go like my granddad, peaceful in his sleep.......not streaming & shouting like the passengers on the bus he was driving

[mrmicawbers]

Horse goes round his Donkey mates house for a few beers .After dinner they get chatting and the horse starts boasting about winning the Grand National,the Oaks, thousand guineas blah blah blah.The horse then asks what the Donkey had done.The Donkey then points to a Zebra picture on the wall and says that's me when I played for Juventus.

[Southcoastffc]

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.