Friday Funnies

[Burt]

Yes, time to take a break from Slav / Claudio earthquake and focus on more important things.

The venerable institution of cracking jokes on a Friday. When anyone remembers to do so.

Here's my starters. Feel free to groan loudly.

My wife just found out that I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

I took a photo of a mouse. He didn't say 'cheese' but I could tell he was thinking it.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

What's the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

I'm on a health kick so I've decided to stop using the drive-thru at McDonalds. I'm going to park the car and walk in.

[snarks]

I'm not saying I'm fat but I was on my own in the house and ran upstairs naked, stopped at the top and heard a round of applause

[BedsFFC]

Good idea.

Let me know when it begins

[Southcoastffc]

Good idea.

Let me know when it begins

Best one so far!

[filham]

The difference between a diplomat and a lady.

A diplomat says yes he means maybe
A diplomat says maybe he means no
A diplomat says no then he is no diplomat


A lady says no she means maybe
A lady says maybe she means yes
A lady says yes then she is no lady

[Southcoastffc]

Here are some Lee Mack jewels:



"I've always wanted to kidnap the ex-professional tennis player Pat Cash, so after his family pays the ransom I can ring them up and ask them 'do you want cash back?'"

"My wife, she's carrying our first child. He's eight, the lazy little..."

"A market researcher said 'can I ask you 10 questions', I said 'go on'. She said 'question number 1: have you ever had a blackout?' I said 'no', she went...'and finally, question number 10.'"

"I went to see a handwriting expert last week, she could tell I was laid-back, gullible and well-off just from a signature on a cheque."

"We had a bite to eat around the corner. Horse and Hounds – I won't be ordering that again."

[HV71]

Good idea.

Let me know when it begins

👏👏👏

[Moltobueno]

Good idea.

Let me know when it begins

:62:

[Andy S]

A man comes home from the pub and climbs into bed next to his long suffering wife
When he wakes up st Peter greets him at the pearly gates and says hello Fred. Fred is shocked where am I says Fred. St Peter tells Fred that he had died in the night and this was heaven. Fred says no I must go back and pleads with st Peter. St Peter tells Fred that it is an unusual request but the only way he can go back is as a Chicken. In a flash Fred finds himself covered in Feathers in a farm yard with a lot of other birds. Fred has a terrible stomach ache. Another Chicken asks him what's wrong. Fred tells him and the chicken says don't worry about it he tells Fred he is ovulating and he is about to lay an egg. So Fred goes with it and all of a sudden he's laid his first egg. He was feeling very emotional when suddenly he gets a poke in the ribs from his wife who screams at him Fred you've pooped the bed.............I'll get my coat

[rogerpbackinMidEastUS]

I just sold my homing pidgeon on Ebay, for the 23rd time

[elgreenio]

What's Whitney Houston's favourite type of co-ordination?

HANNNNNDDDDDDDD EEEEEEYYYYYYYEEEEE

[KJS]

A rather large wife fell down the stairs, once she managed to recover she got up and went into the living room and said to her husband "Didn't you hear me fall down the stairs!!"

To which he replied "Is that what it was, I thought East Enders was about to start"  :Get Coat gif:

[YankeeJim]

Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an
anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...
Simply showing marriage certificate and wife's picture is not
enough !

[abfg]

A mate of mine stole a calendar. He got 12 months.

I used to have a pet mouse called Elvis. Used to. He got caught in a trap.

My mate asked me if I like the band Oasis. I said maybe.

I saw a documentary on how ships are held together. It was riveting.

I read a book called the history of glue. I couldn't put it down.

I used to believe in the saying fight fire with fire. That's why I got sacked from the fire brigade.

I went to the shop to buy some camouflage trousers the other day. Couldn't find any.