Friday joke spot

[Burt]

And now for something completely different.

"Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? He'll stop at nothing to avoid them."

"Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?""

"Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards? He was just going through a stage."

"What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? The best of thymes, the worst of thymes."

"What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes? Re-morse code."

You're welcome.

Burt

[JoelH5]

A weasel walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?" asked the Bar Man.

"Pop" goes the weasel.

[YankeeJim]

Benny Hill & Rowan Martin are looking for a place to hide. English humour is dead. LOL


(See, I even spelled it correctly)

[BarryP]

Thank you Burt!

[filham]

Come back Peabody, all is forgiven.

[Peabody]

Come back Peabody, all is forgiven.


Those were the day's

[Peabody]

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I dunno, but the flag is a big plus.

[bog]

My neighbour gets on my nerves. Last week a chicken wandered into his back garden. I knew he would make a meal of it.   

[blingo]

At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?

[blingo]

I bought a pair of tortoise shell shoes. It took me four hours to walk out of the shop

[blingo]

Isaac Newton died a virgin. That means I have one up on him.  ...I'm not dead



What happens if you spill carpet cleaner?


It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.

[YankeeJim]

A Cowboy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The Cowboy says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The Cowboy reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the Cowboy and the ostrich come again and the Cowboy
says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the Cowboy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and
a salad," says the Cowboy.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the Cowboy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the Cowboy, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything,
I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact
money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The Cowboy sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[I Ronic]

Took my grandsn out for his first pint today. Got him a Fosters. He didn't like it so I had it. Got him a Carlsberg. He didn't like that either, so I had that as well. Same with the Cider and Guinness.
By the time we got to the whiskey I could hardly push the pram!

[WhiteJC]

A man in a hot air balloon resized he was lost.
He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below, he defended a bit more and shouted,
"Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am"
The woman replied, "you are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude"
"You must be a programmer" said the balloonist.
"I am" replied the woman, "how did you know?"
"Well" answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is that I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."
The woman below responded "you must be a manager"
"I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to your current position due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to love your problem. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow its my fault?"

[WhiteJC]

Two mates were discussing their hobby of racing snails,
1st chap: "How's things with your snail then,"
2nd chap "Well, I thought I would try to speed mine up by taking off his shell"
1st chap; "did it work?"
2nd chap "No, if anything it made him a bit sluggish!"

[Holders]

With the lockdown easing and socialising allowed again, those going dogging should remember to stay two Alsatian lengths apart.