You are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you...
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get off the merry-go-round, you're pissed. *
An Asian gentleman goes into his bank to complain. He says to the cashier last month i sent money to my home country and got 50 for each Pound this month only 40. The cashier replied fluctuations. The Asian responds by saying fluck you British too but where has my money gone?
A couple go to a fancy dress party completely naked with her riding on his back. The host answered the door and said what have you come as. The man replied a Turtle. The host said and who is this pointing to his back. Oh this is Michelle.
could not stop laughing.
It's not the best ceiling I've seen - but it's up there
To be frank...... I would have to change my name.
Last night down the pub my mates suggested we take up the 10k challenge so I am making a list of things to do.
1. Get new mates
Two scabs falling off of a cliff. One looks to the other and says "Im a gonner ere"
My plumber mate has split up with his wife, he said to her, it's all over Flo.
�
A rabbit goes into a pub and asked the landlord for a ham and cheese toastie and a pint of bitter, the land lord, who is at the end of his tether, because the pub is not doing well, says nothing and serves the rabbit who goes and consumes his purchases, the four or five customers are amazed. The next night the same thing happens but word had spread and there were a lot more customers and of course, the landlord is delighted. This all goes on for about six months and by this time the pub has become famous, they even have coach parties visiting. Then one evening, the comes in and orders his usual ham and cheese toastie and a pint of bitter but the landlord says, I am sorry me old bunny (they have become friends by now) but I haven't got any ham. The rabbit looks annoyed so the governor says but I can do you a cheese and onion toastie. The rabbit says OK The other patrons all cheer and the rabbit consumes the lot. However, he never came back to the pub again, so the pub declined and everyone stopped going there. One night at closing time, the boss was clearing up and notice a small white cloud hovering and immediately recognises the ghost as the rabbit and he says is that you rabbit? Yes replied the rabbit and I have died, what caused that asks the landlord? Oh I mixedime toasties!!!
A Husband calls a doctor for his sick wife. The doctor arrives and goes into the bedroom. He comes out less than a minute later.
'My God man. Your wife looks as if she has been dead for weeks' The Doctor says.
The Husband shrugs. 'The sex was about the same but I did think the laundry was piling up a bit'.
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.
"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?".
With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
True story
An American is talking to a Brit about the differences in their Countries. The Brit says - But don't forget the time difference. In the UK when it's lunchtime the US is still in 1933.
I looked up My family tree and found out I was the sap.
Quote from: Peabody on October 09, 2025, 08:10:40 AMA rabbit goes into a pub and asked the landlord for a ham and cheese toastie and a pint of bitter, the land lord, who is at the end of his tether, because the pub is not doing well, says nothing and serves the rabbit who goes and consumes his purchases, the four or five customers are amazed. The next night the same thing happens but word had spread and there were a lot more customers and of course, the landlord is delighted. This all goes on for about six months and by this time the pub has become famous, they even have coach parties visiting. Then one evening, the comes in and orders his usual ham and cheese toastie and a pint of bitter but the landlord says, I am sorry me old bunny (they have become friends by now) but I haven't got any ham. The rabbit looks annoyed so the governor says but I can do you a cheese and onion toastie. The rabbit says OK The other patrons all cheer and the rabbit consumes the lot. However, he never came back to the pub again, so the pub declined and everyone stopped going there. One night at closing time, the boss was clearing up and notice a small white cloud hovering and immediately recognises the ghost as the rabbit and he says is that you rabbit? Yes replied the rabbit and I have died, what caused that asks the landlord? Oh I mixedime toasties!!!
A rabbit puts his paws in one shoe that's mixing me toesies
"I'm wearing my new pair of strides.. what do you think?"
"They're Body Line trousers"
"You mean they show off my athletic physique?"
"No, they've got two short legs and a deep mid-wicket"
Two prostitutes chatting..
Pro 1: have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
Pro 2: nah, but I have been swung around by my tits!
Quote from: BestOfBrede on October 13, 2025, 09:26:37 PMTwo prostitutes chatting..
Pro 1: have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
Pro 2: nah, but I have been swung around by my tits!
How do you get 4 prostitutes on a bar stool?
Turn it upside down.
2 prostitutes talking. One said my mouth feels like the bottom of a bird cage. The other replies, no wonder you had a **** or two in there last night.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full up.
What do you call a Brazilian girl with only one tooth?
Juanita.
Why was the Red Sea so named ? Because Cleopatra bathed in it periodically!
Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
What's the difference between a refugee and E T ? E T learned English and wanted to go home !
.
I like to think I have a good sense of humour. I have to say these didn't do it for me!
Quote from: Fulham 442 on October 16, 2025, 06:49:04 PMI like to think I have a good sense of humour. I have to say these didn't do it for me!
You're not wrong :slap:
Reminds me of that old Bob Monkhouse quip:
'They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian... They're not laughing now !' :guitar-playHDs:
I have to agree, I am afraid unfortunately that they are not even remotely funny.
Here's a good one:
"A bear walks into a bar and bartender says, 'Why the long face?'"
The teacher of the geography class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes.
Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."
A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."
Quote from: Fulham 442 on October 16, 2025, 06:49:04 PMI like to think I have a good sense of humour. I have to say these didn't do it for me!
Quote from: _Putney_ on October 17, 2025, 04:47:39 PMHere's a good one:
"A bear walks into a bar and bartender says, 'Why the long face?'"
I think you may have got the bear mixed up with his best mate the horse, which is understandable as the bear had severe diarrhoea problems and he is not out of the woods yet.
What actually happened was that this bear was running through the woods when he came across a rabbit.
The bear asked the rabbit does poo stick to your fur ?
The rabbit replied no.
So the bear picked him up wiped his bum with him and threw him in the bushes.
I met this woman in a pub the other night who told me her name was Carmen. I asked her why was she called Carmen.
She replied " because I like Cars and I like Men."
She then asked me my name, and I replied " Lager Fanny. "
An Elephant was sitting in a clearing looking very disconsolate. A Monkey came by and said did you come here to die?
The Elephant replied by saying, no i came here yesterdie.
A child asks his father, 'why is my sister called Teresa?' The father replies,'because your Mother loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter. The child says, 'thanks Dad.' The father replys, 'no problem Alan.'
*ENGLISH WISDOM* 🏴
Over a double latte, the Greek mentions, "We built the Parthenon you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."
And the Englishman said, " maybe but it was the English that discovered the Summer and Winter solstices."
"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to mathematics."
"Granted, but it was the English who built the first timepieces."
Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"
To which, the bloke from England said, "True enough, but it was the English who got women involved."
A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.
The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
An elderly couple were reminiscing about their honeymoon. She said do you remember i got a few quoits and through them over your erection. He said do you remember you sat on the floor and open your legs and i flicked peas into you.
He said shall we reenact that night and she started to go out of the room. He said where are you going, she said to a kilo of spuds and a packet of polo's.
A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.
"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says,
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
What do you call a judge without any thumbs
Justice fingers.
My Uncle Franks death was caused by women and alcohol.
He couldn't get enough of either so he hung himself.
My now ex-girlfriend asked me what the difference was between a screw and a nail.
I must get a hearing test.
I have a friend who keeps telling me he is a habitual liar, but I don't believe him.
I once went out with a lady with a wooden leg, but the relationship did not last long, I ended up breaking it off.
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.
"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
SWISS JOKE
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avalanche
Avalanche who
Avalanche after breakfast
MOUNTAIN JOKE
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Precipice
Precipice who
Precipice button after urinating in the toilet
Mick and Paddy were in Canada looking for work. They passed a Timber Yard who were advertising for tree fellers. Mick turned to Paddy and said 'it's a pity Shaun isn't with us we could have applied for that'
As a boy I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."
Knock knock
Who's there
To
To who?
To WHOM.
Quote from: WhiteJC on October 06, 2025, 11:32:24 AMYou are driving in a car at a constant speed.
On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you...
In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
* Get off the merry-go-round, you're pissed. *
The linear speed of an object on a merry-go-round will vary depending on the distance from the centre.
man living in the Alps goes to bed, during the night the house is engulfed in a avalanche, just the tip of the chimney showing, he gets out of bed , looks around and then hears a voice coming down the chimney, " who is it " he shouts, " its the Red Cross, " Sod off, I have already given!
farmer getting his prize bull ready for the smithfield show, all of a sudden the bull goes cross eyed, " quick phone the vet " he says to his farm hand, vet comes out and says the only cure is to push a length of hose up the bulls arse and blow hard, he does it and the eyes go back to normal,
" you had better take the hose with you in case it happens again" says the vet
on arrival at Smithfield they unload the gleaming prize bull and straight away his eyes go crossed again! "quick says the farmer get the hose out", he starts to blow, and blow but nothing, exhausted he says to the farm hand, " here you have a go" the farm hand then proceeds to pull the hose out of the arse and swop the ends over, " What are you doing ? " says the farmer, " well I don't want to put my mouth where yours has been do I!
A man goes to the Dr's and the doc asks what's wrong? The man says, I keep pooing strawberry's, and the doc says, I've got some cream for that.
I once went to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread, the birds were all over me.
My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!
Quote from: Woolly Mammoth on November 18, 2025, 11:42:55 PMMy wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!
Apparently you can't make a water bed more bouncy by filling it with spring water...
::scarf::
I got home from work last night and someone had nailed a Chelsea season ticket to my front door!
I thought, I'm having that...
You can never have enough nails... :slap:
Wooly Mamouth ... one of these must tickle your funny bone... surely?
During the war my grandfather could not help drawing... he got hit by the doodle bug
As a young boy my dad used to hit me with the telephone... I was always on the receiving end
I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man.. he was wearing a Cat Flap
My pet camellion can't change colour.. apparently he's suffering from a Repitile dysfunction
I've just tried some Frog flavoured real ale...
You can really taste the hops
I'm not very good at Greek Mythology... that's my Hurcules heel...
I got a dvd and there was a bit that said 'Deleted scenes' I clicked on it... nothing there?
7 of Diamonds ... sorry my minds playing tricks on me
I've not been able to sell a single copy of my autobiography... story of my life
Naked man, who walks thru airport terminal sideways......is going to Bangkok.
Quote from: Fulham Tup North on November 19, 2025, 11:32:40 PMWooly Mamouth ... one of these must tickle your funny bone... surely?
During the war my grandfather could not help drawing... he got hit by the doodle bug
As a young boy my dad used to hit me with the telephone... I was always on the receiving end
I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man.. he was wearing a Cat Flap
My pet camellion can't change colour.. apparently he's suffering from a Repitile dysfunction
I've just tried some Frog flavoured real ale...
You can really taste the hops
I'm not very good at Greek Mythology... that's my Hurcules heel...
I got a dvd and there was a bit that said 'Deleted scenes' I clicked on it... nothing there?
7 of Diamonds ... sorry my minds playing tricks on me
I've not been able to sell a single copy of my autobiography... story of my life
Thank you, yes those funny jokes were a bone-us. :slap:
Unfortunately a young 3 months gone pregnant lady, went into a coma, six months later, she came out of it and immediately asked after her baby, the doctor responded with well, you have had twins a boy and a girl and everything is fine. The young lady was delighted and said have they been named? Yes said the doctor, your brother has names them. My brother, oh goodness he is an idiot, what has he named them? Well said the doctor he has named the girl Denise that's not bad she said what about the boy? Ah said the doc, he has named him Denephew
The major organs in the body start a discussion as to which one should be in charge.
The Brain says "I am the one that decides everything, signals the heart and lungs to work, I have all the thinking an intelligence, I should be in charge"
The Heart responds "Not so fast, I work the hardest to ensure that blood gets pumped around the body and without that all the cells and tissues would die, including you, Brain, so I should be in charge"
The Lungs pipe up "Hey, you might pump the blood around the body, but without my efficiency at supplying the oxygen it would be useless, so I should be boss"
Then the kidneys join in "Hey, I'm just as efficient, that blood you talk about, I clean it for you, and without me it would become useless, so I should be in charge"
This carries on with other organs joining in, until, finally, the anus shouts "I should be in charge", but gives no reason. The rest of the organs all start laughing and telling the anus to shut up.
At this, the anus becomes angry and decides to go on strike and refuses to open.
Within a few days the intestines begin to fill up, the body temperature starts rising, and all the other organs begin to get steadily worse.
Finally, they all agree, just to survive, the anus should be in charge.
Moral of the story: You don't have to be brainy, smart, hard working or efficient to be in charge, you just have to be an arseh*le.
(apologies for the swearing, it's pretty integral to the joke, unfortunately).
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years.
The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
I met some chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby today. They all just kept bragging about how good they are at the game...
Ugh, there's nothing worse than chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
The dictionary defines a heckler as a baiter,we have a parliament full of Masters