Joke

[Fulham 442]

I like to think I have a good sense of humour. I have to say these didn't do it for me!

[v]

I like to think I have a good sense of humour. I have to say these didn't do it for me!

You're not wrong
Reminds me of that old Bob Monkhouse quip:
'They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian... They're not laughing now !' 

[Woolly Mammoth]

I have to agree, I am afraid unfortunately that they are not even remotely funny.

[_Putney_]

Here's a good one:

"A bear walks into a bar and bartender says, 'Why the long face?'"

[WhiteJC]

The teacher of the geography class was lecturing on map reading. He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes.
Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."

A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

[Southcoastffc]

I like to think I have a good sense of humour. I have to say these didn't do it for me!

[Woolly Mammoth]

Here's a good one:

"A bear walks into a bar and bartender says, 'Why the long face?'"

I think you may have got the bear mixed  up with his best mate the horse, which is understandable as the bear had severe diarrhoea problems and he is not out of the woods yet.
What actually happened was that this bear was running through the woods when he came across a rabbit.
The bear asked the rabbit does poo stick to your fur ?
The rabbit replied no.
So the bear picked him up wiped his bum with him and threw him in the bushes.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I met this woman in a pub the other night who told me her name was Carmen. I asked her why was she called Carmen.
She replied " because I like Cars and I like Men."
She then asked me my name, and I replied " Lager Fanny. "

[iansthailand]

An Elephant was sitting in a clearing looking very disconsolate.                                                  A Monkey came by and said did you come here to die?
The Elephant replied by saying, no i came here yesterdie.

[The Old Count]

A child asks his father, 'why is my sister called Teresa?' The father replies,'because your Mother loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter.  The child says, 'thanks Dad.' The father replys, 'no problem Alan.'

[Woolly Mammoth]

*ENGLISH WISDOM* 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿

Over a double latte, the Greek mentions, "We built the Parthenon you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."

And the Englishman said, " maybe but it was the English that discovered the Summer and Winter solstices."

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to mathematics."

"Granted, but it was the English who built the first timepieces."

Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: "Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"

To which, the bloke from England said, "True enough, but it was the English  who got women involved."

[WhiteJC]

A couple in their 80's were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"

[iansthailand]

An elderly couple were reminiscing about their honeymoon. She said do you remember i got a few quoits and through them over your erection. He said do you remember you sat on the floor and open your legs and i flicked peas into you.
He said shall we reenact that night and she started to go out of the room. He said where are you going, she said to a kilo of spuds and a packet of polo's.

[WhiteJC]

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out on the motorway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What on earth am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift, and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
 
The guy thinks for a second and says,

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[iansthailand]

What do you call a judge without any thumbs


Justice fingers.

[Woolly Mammoth]

My Uncle Franks death was caused by women and alcohol.
He couldn't get enough of either so he hung himself.

[keithh]

My now ex-girlfriend asked me what the difference was between a screw and a nail.

I must get a hearing test.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I have a friend who keeps telling me he is a habitual liar, but I don't believe him.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I once went out with a lady with a wooden leg, but the relationship did not last long, I ended up breaking it off.

[WhiteJC]

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary, walking by, asked.
"Yes," he replied, "how does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"