Did you hear about the hyena who ate the oxo cube?
:drums:
He became a laughing stock :005:
Two parrots on a perch, one says to the other "can you smell fish?".
What do you call a blind fish?
Fsh.
(PM me if you need an explanation :dft011:)
Two scabs falling off a cliff and one says to the other " I'm a Gonner ere".
Quote from: blingo on December 15, 2014, 10:00:58 PM
Two scabs falling off a cliff and one says to the other " I'm a Gonner ere".
Where do you buy your crackers from? I hate to think, lol
How does Good King Wensles like his pizza.
Deep and crisp and even.
Good king Wenceslas was pagan and liked his pizza deep pan crisp and heathen.
Quote from: Burt on December 15, 2014, 09:29:41 PM
What do you call a blind fish?
Fsh.
(PM me if you need an explanation :dft011:)
Is'nt that
What do you call a fish with no eye. A fsh ................................... as told by my five year old soul mate who was not allowed to pm you but has lodged a protest.
Who added. Where do naughty shapes go? Prism.
Two nuns sitting in the bath, one says "Where's the soap?", the other replies "Yes, it does doesn't it?"
Quote from: The Equalizer on December 15, 2014, 11:40:11 PM
Two nuns sitting in the bath, one says "Where's the soap?", the other replies "Yes, it does doesn't it?"
*This may not have actually come from a christmas cracker.
what happened to the man who couldn't tell putty from porridge
His windows fell out
Whats Brown, Steams and comes out of Cowes?
The Isle Of Wight Ferry....
What has no arms no legs and is found 6 fathoms under the sea?
Jaques Torso.
What song do you sing at a snowman's birthday party?
Freeze a jolly good fellow!
What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?
It's Christmas, Eve!
:merry christmas: 049:gif
Why do Elephants have big ears ?
Noddy wont pay the ransom !
Why are pirates called pirates??? Cos they arrrrrrrrre
This kind of topic is about my level, it needs little intelligence and normally the miserable farts who don't like me will avoid this topic and let me be free! :)
Where's Roger and Peabody when you need them? I bet they've got some goodens
Quote from: The Equalizer on December 15, 2014, 11:41:08 PM
Quote from: The Equalizer on December 15, 2014, 11:40:11 PM
Two nuns sitting in the bath, one says "Where's the soap?", the other replies "Yes, it does doesn't it?"
*This may not have actually come from a christmas cracker.
You must buy your crackers from the same shop as me Mr Eq. lol.
What is the difference between a Bison and a Buffalo?
You can't wash your hands in a Buffalo
An ugly bird at work said "Do you want to kiss me under the Mistletoe"? I said, sweetheart, I wouldn't want to kiss you under anaesthetic!
** Sorry to offend any ugly birds out there!! :)
Why is an aspirin small, white and smooth? Because if it was big, gray and wrinkly it would be an elephant
Why are there no aspirins in the jungle? Because the parrots eat 'em all.
What do you call a man in a swimming pool with no arms or legs?
Bob!
What do you call a man in a swimming pool with no arms or legs swimming from end to end?
Clever Dick!
What lies at the bottom of the sea and shivers
A Nervous wreck
(genuine cracker joke and my daughters favorite at age 5)
Q: What do you call a flying police officer?
A: A helicopper!
Q: Why did the farmer ride his horse to town?
A: It was too heavy to carry!
:merry christmas:
i got up this morning and made a cup of tea in my pyjamas
I've really got to buy a teapot
Alright it's a tommy cooper classic but it seems to fit the bill!
Whats Good king Wencelas's favorite pizza?
Deep pan crisp and even
Did you hear about the thrifty scottish kamikaze pilot who crashed his plane in his brothers scrapyard.
(Im a scot , so no insult intended to our great people !)
Who watches Santa at Christmas?
Mince spies
Quote from: Barrett487 on December 18, 2014, 03:40:53 PM
Who watches Santa at Christmas?
Mince spies
Haha haha that really chuckled me. Am I easily pleased or is that so stupid that it's funny? Thanks Barrett, that's my kind of humour right there
What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out your pyjamas in the morning? ...Your Mum
Quote from: Holders on December 17, 2014, 07:13:49 AM
Why are there no aspirins in the jungle? Because the parrots eat 'em all.
0001.jpeg that is clever
What do you do if you have a 'orrible 'eadache....?
:49:
You take a couple of aspirates..
064.gif
The sad thing is I actually laughed at most of these. Help!
Quote from: ron on December 18, 2014, 08:38:05 PM
What do you do if you have a 'orrible 'eadache....?
:49:
You take a couple of aspirates..
064.gif
That's clever.
How many ears has Davy Crockett?
Three - a left ear, a right ear and a wild front ear.
Bill and Ben sitting in the bath and Bill went flobberlob a lobber lob, Ben said 'if you keep farting I'm getting out'
What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?
Get out of my face!
Q. Where do animals go if the lose their tail?
A. A retail store .
:merry christmas:
Q. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?
A. Dam!
Which Arsenal fan will steal your kid's trainset?
Nick Hornby
Why can't snowmen have kids?
Snow-balls
I can see this thread getting a boost on Christmas day. T hope the cracker makers have some new jokes this year
Doctor Doctor I have a dietry problem I keep eating snooker balls and they are blocking me up. The doctor asks can you explain so the man says that for Breakfast he eats some red balls for lunch he eats a black a pink a blue and a yellow ball and for tea he eats a yellow and brown along with a few more reds. The doctor says that he could see the problem as the man needs to eat more greens. Sorry not strictly a cracker joke
Quote from: Andy S on December 20, 2014, 11:42:58 PM
Doctor Doctor I have a dietry problem I keep eating snooker balls and they are blocking me up. The doctor asks can you explain so the man says that for Breakfast he eats some red balls for lunch he eats a black a pink a blue and a yellow ball and for tea he eats a yellow and brown along with a few more reds. The doctor says that he could see the problem as the man needs to eat more greens. Sorry not strictly a cracker joke
Give me a break!! Ha :)
:merry christmas: Two Snowmen in a field and one says to the other "Can you smell carrots"? 064.gif :drums:
Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can Ho Ho Ho!!!!
:merry christmas:
Quote from: Delboy on December 19, 2014, 08:51:31 AM
Bill and Ben sitting in the bath and Bill went flobberlob a lobber lob, Ben said 'if you keep farting I'm getting out'
Bill and Ben sitting in the bath and Bill went flobberlob a lobber lob, Ben said 'if you love me, you would swallow it" (apologies if that is slightly in bad taste.....not sure that one has actually ever made it in to a Christmas cracker!)
Q: Why can't a steam locomotive sit down?
A: Because it has a tender behind
Englishman, Irishman and a Frenchamn got together talking about their familes. Englishman said, "I named my son George after St.George's Day". Frenchman said, "I named my son Valentine after Valentine's Day."
Irishman said, "I did the same thing with my son Pancake!"
How does a monkey make his toast?
He puts it under a gorilla
What is black and white and noisy?
A zebra with a drum kit.
What's pink and hard? A pig with a flick-knife :dft011:
What's black and white and goes up and down?
A nun in a lift :005:
