A couple decide they have to tighten up their belts. She says, "You're spending £16 a week on 24 cans of beer, that has to stop".
A week later he says, "Hang on your spending £28 a week on make up".
She says, "Yes, but that's to make me look lovely and attractive". He says, "That's what the beer was for !! "
A man sitting alone in an empty pub. He has a cloudy pint of beer in front of him. A sign saying 'out of order' hangs on the jukebox. The darts match advert for next week has 'cancelled' written across it. He says to the bored bartender. 'Nothing ever stops me going out to enjoy myself.'
A bloke sitting at the bar in an airport noticed a really beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself: "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an off duty flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan: "Love to fly and it shows?"
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself: "Damn, she doesn't work for Delta."
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, "Something special in the air?"
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched Singapore Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the Thai Airways slogan: "Smooth as Silk."
This time the woman turned on him and shouted "What the f#ck do you want?"
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said "Ahhhhh,
Ryanair!!!
How do you know when you have run out of invisible ink ?
I never wanted to believe that my flat mate was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
i thought the OP asked for jokes
I took an old vase to Antiques Roadshow the other week.
I said to the bloke "I think it's a Ming". He said "No, it's a Minge, it's got a crack in it"
Quote from: westcliff white on June 08, 2017, 01:42:08 PM
i thought the OP asked for jokes
As Tommy Cooper once said, always keep your sense of humour.
The higher a Monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind.
Teamwork is important, it helps put the blame on someone else.
A Benny Hill special from me: 'Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect'
Quote from: Woolly Mammoth on June 08, 2017, 01:55:40 PM
Quote from: westcliff white on June 08, 2017, 01:42:08 PM
i thought the OP asked for jokes
As Tommy Cooper once said, always keep your sense of humour.
The higher a Monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind.
The great TC was probably right , but not everyone finds the same things funny
Not sure joke but made me laugh.Worked up in Shoreditch many moons ago. Sign post with Golders Green 5 miles an somebody had written underneath.
To you 2 1/2.
Quote from: westcliff white on June 08, 2017, 02:03:37 PM
Quote from: Woolly Mammoth on June 08, 2017, 01:55:40 PM
Quote from: westcliff white on June 08, 2017, 01:42:08 PM
i thought the OP asked for jokes
As Tommy Cooper once said, always keep your sense of humour.
The higher a Monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind.
The great TC was probably right , but not everyone finds the same things funny
Ok you may be right, but tell me, does this rag smell like chloroform to you ?
Quote from: Woolly Mammoth on June 08, 2017, 02:06:37 PM
Quote from: westcliff white on June 08, 2017, 02:03:37 PM
Quote from: Woolly Mammoth on June 08, 2017, 01:55:40 PM
Quote from: westcliff white on June 08, 2017, 01:42:08 PM
i thought the OP asked for jokes
As Tommy Cooper once said, always keep your sense of humour.
The higher a Monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind.
The great TC was probably right , but not everyone finds the same things funny
Ok you may be right, but tell me, does this rag smell like chloraform to you ?
probably to you it does.
I love a good joke, just in a reflective mood today
And from the wonderful Mr Cooper "I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years."
The first time I got a remote control, I said to myself, this changes everything.
Why do elephants wear green tennis shoes?
So they can walk across pool tables without being seen. Have you ever seen an elephant walk across a pool table?
No.
See? It works
This is from Euro 2016, but;
"Oh I can't wait to see the Austria-Hungary game!"
"Yeah? Who are they playing against?"
It's hard to understand how a cemetery raised its funeral prices, and then blamed it on the cost of living.
How many letters in the alphabet ? 18.
Because ET went home on a UFO, and the FBI went after him.
My wife has been missing for 10 days & last night the police came round and said "Be prepared for the worst", so I retrieved her clothes from the charity shop.
Quote from: Woolly Mammoth on June 08, 2017, 03:15:02 PM
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
The thread says' Lets have some jokes' not 'multiple one-liners from the same member' overpowering everything else.
Quote from: Wearethewhites on June 08, 2017, 03:19:53 PM
Quote from: Woolly Mammoth on June 08, 2017, 03:15:02 PM
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
The thread says' Lets have some jokes' not 'multiple one-liners from the same member' overpowering everything else.
If I agreed with you, we would both be wrong.
Quote from: Wearethewhites on June 08, 2017, 03:19:53 PM
Quote from: Woolly Mammoth on June 08, 2017, 03:15:02 PM
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
The thread says' Lets have some jokes' not 'multiple one-liners from the same member' overpowering everything else.
Now that you have rattled my cage.
Here's one for you.
The toilet of the Starship Enterprise contains the Captains Log.
My missus just split up with me because she thinks I'm obsessed with football.
I'm a bit gutted about it; we'd been going out for 3 seasons.
Police have found a local ice cream man dead in the back of his van. He was covered in nuts, sauce and sprinkle. Police think that he topped himself!
A little boy was lost at a large shopping centre , he approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Beer, football and women with big boobs."
A bloke walks into a bar with a pair of jump leads in his hand. The barman says I will serve you providing you don't start anything.
"Three tomatoes are walking down the street, papa tomato, mama tomato and baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind and papa tomato gets really angry, goes back and squishes him and says "Ketchup".
A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some breakfast? bacon and eggs or maybe some toast, grapefruit and coffee?
He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. ' A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'
He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a chicken stir fry?'
He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry.'
Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm fu##ing starving.'
Ime addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.
A bloke walks into a Doctors Surgery with a Monkey on his head, and the Doctor asks, how can I help you ? and the Monkey replied, can you get this flaming geezer off my backside.
My wife Suggested I get get a penis enlarger.
092.gif
So I did.
She's 18 and her name's Françoise.
I don't like wearing condoms when having sex, as I hate the smell of burning rubber.
NO more Christmas Cracker jokes.Please
A thief who stole a callender, got 12 months.
Quote from: mrmicawbers on June 09, 2017, 04:03:53 PM
NO more Christmas Cracker jokes.Please
As you like Christmas Cracker Jokes, here is one especially for you.
What is the best Christmas present in the world ?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it.
That reminds me of the schoolboy joke - what's the difference between a mat, an egg & a bit of the other - you can beat a at, you can beat an egg but................
Whats the difference between a buffolo and a bison ? You cant wash your hands in a buffolo !
Two parrots, sitting on a perch and one says to the other "can you smell fish ?"
If you own a calender, your days are numbered.
Wanted poster for The Brown Paper Bag Kid.
Description - brown paper bag hat, brown paper bag shirt, brown paper bag trousers.
What was he wanted for?
Rustling.
The Past, the Present & the Future go into a bar. They were all tense.
The barman not knowing if anyone else was going to turn up asks "Are you all here?".
"We're not all present." came the reply.
Two Ariels meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was poor but the reception was brilliant.
A Policeman came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife "Is this your wife?" he asked. "Yes", I replied. He said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been involved in a car accident".
''I know, but she has a lovely personality', I replied.
Being a little overweight, my wife suggested that I walk 5 miles a day - by the end of the week I was 35 miles away!
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
I was looking up at my ceiling the other day.
Not sure if it's the best ceiling, but it's definitely up there.
I have been trying to push the envelope at work, but it's still stationary.
I was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked me where was going at that time of night.
"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
I replied, my wife.
Just think, if the cat has been facing the other way Percy Shaw would have invented the pencil sharpener.
My wife slapped me - 'that's for having a small penis!'
I slapped her harder - 'that's for knowing the difference!'
I just went up into attic and found a present I forgot to give the kids at Christmas.
It's a shame, they would have loved that puppy.
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?... He's 0K now.
Wheres Mr Peabody?
The delivery driver asked me what time it was, I said, somewhere between 8.30am and 6pm.
Despite my dear wife's sincere defence, I've come to the conclusion that her latest designer handbag is a straight forward open and shut case.
The midget Fortune Teller who kills his customers, is a small medium at large.
I thought I was a werewolf, but I'm alright nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww......
I went to see the Doctor last week, and he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 20 years, problem solved.
Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.
Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole,but we don't have a ladder.'The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a fewbolts and laid the flagpole down.
She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
Then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the bloody height, and she gives us the length.
After Monday & Tuesday even the week says WTF .....
A wife asked her hubby how she could make their sex life more exciting.
He responds that she needs to start moaning a bit
The next night they're in bed, 5 minutes into the love making she says "That ceiling needs painting, and the toilet still leaks ...."
Quote from: f321ffc on June 11, 2017, 03:23:04 PM
A Policeman came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife "Is this your wife?" he asked. "Yes", I replied. He said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been involved in a car accident".
''I know, but she has a lovely personality', I replied.
Brilliant.. that reminds of the old ditty:
She was nice, She was fair,
She had no teeth, She had no hair,
One eye was glass, One leg was wood,
But what was left, was very good!
I went to my local pub and it turned out a real wild night, drink, drugs and wild sex, in the morning I woke up next to a really ugly woman. That's when I realised I had made it home safely.
Fella goes into a Pet Shop and says I wanna buy a Wasp.
A Wasp said the owner,Yes said the fella I wanna buy a wasp.
Sorry mate we don't sell Wasps.
!What You Got That One In The Window For Then!
Paddy was working in his Company's Machine shop using an electronic cutter, when he accidentally cut his ear off. He turned to his work colleague Mick, saying can you help me Mick, I have just accidentally cut my own ear off and I can't find it. So Mick started looking for it and eventually found an ear amongst the floor cuttings. He went over to Paddy and said I have found your ear, here it is, Paddy took one look at it, and said, ' that's not my ear, mine had a pencil behind it '.
Four gravediggers wandering around with a coffin. They had lost the plot
Bloke answered an advert for a Handyman.
In the interview he was asked if he could Carry out painting and decorating, he said he couldn't. He was asked if he could do carpentry, which he replied no I can't.
He was then asked if he could do some electrical work, as simple as changing a plug, he said he couldn't do that either.
The interviewer then asked if he was any good at plumbing, to which he replied, no way.
So the Interviewer scratched his head and asked him, what's handy about you then ?
The bloke replied, " well I only live round the corner ".
I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction...
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.
My wife has been missing for 3 days now.
Last night I had the Police around the house , and they told me to prepare for the worst.
So I've spent most of today going around the charity shops trying to get her clothes back.
How do you get down from a cow ......you don't you get down from a duck
I once employed an odd job man, but he wasn't very good.
I gave him a list of eight jobs to do, and he only did numbers 1,3 5 and 7.
My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love. That doesn't bother me. It's the hiding that seems so cruel.
A Nurse walks in on a Psychiatric patient rubbing his dick between 2 biscuits.
"What are you doing?" she asks
He relies, " I'm f ***ing crackers"
I am a hunt saboteur, I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Somebody stole all the toilet seats from the police station
The police don't have anything to go on
Quote from: Woolly Mammoth on June 17, 2017, 03:23:46 AM
I am a hunt saboteur, I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Billy the Badger reports he is very sad about that.....
My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. 😺
When I was in the army my sergeant said to me, " what does surrender mean " ?
I thought about it for a while, couldn't think of an answer, so I replied " Ok, I give up ".
My wife left me for my unhealthy obsession with Linkin Park.
But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
To the man wearing camouflage and walking with crutches, who took my wallet. You can hide, but you can't run.
I went to a fancy dress hire shop yesterday to get a vampire costume for a party and the girl behind the counter gave me Chelsea kit. I said "Sorry love I think you misheard me, I want to look like a count"
I walked into WH Smith & Sons this morning, and went straight up to the woman at the counter and asked her, " do you keep stationary " ? She replied, " yes right up until the last minute, then I go like the clappers ".
Bloke shouted to his wife "Love come upstairs and have a look at my clock?"
So she enters the bedroom and see's her husband naked with an errection
She says "That's not a clock!"
He replys "It soon will be with two hands and a face on it"
We now live in a society where a Pizza gets to your house before the police.
Quote from: f321ffc on June 18, 2017, 09:16:57 AM
I went to a fancy dress hire shop yesterday to get a vampire costume for a party and the girl behind the counter gave me Chelsea kit. I said "Sorry love I think you misheard me, I want to look like a count"
Like it.
Some people say,
" if you can't beat them join them ".
I say, " if you can't beat them, beat them ".
Because they will be expecting you to join them.
So you will then have the element of surprise.
Wife on mobile to husband " Your dinner is ready and your not here, I suppose you are down at the pub again. If you are not back here in ten minutes I am going to give your dinner to the dog"
Husband ,just starting his second pint " What has the poor dog done to upset you"
"Now, class, who can tell me what caused the American Revolution to break out?" asked Mrs. Humphries to her freshman Economics class.
"Taxation," replied a student in the front row.
"Very good, Sherry." The teacher then turned to a boy whose hand was waving. "Yes, Andrew?"
"I have a question, Mrs. Humphries. How come they teach that we won?"
Not everybody knew Dr Spock had three ears. He had a left ear, a right ear and a final frontier.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Her birthday She told me "Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace" So I bought her nothing.
A man is sitting in his living room on the day of his 50th Wedding Anniversary, sobbing. His wife comes in the room, sees him drowning in his own tears and asks "Why are you so upset honey?"
Husband - " Do you remember the first day we made out on the front porch of your house, when your father came out and caught us? "
Wife - "Yes. Of course I do"
Husband - "Well, I've never told you this but, that wasn't the end of it. After you walked into the house, your father told me he was a judge in town and he could kill me if he wanted to and that nothing would ever be done about it. He told me that I had 3 choices. He could shoot me in the head. He could sentence me to 50 years in prison. Or, I could marry you that very day."
Wife - "So, then, why are you crying?"
Husband - "I was just thinking that I could be getting out of prison today"
What's the difference between a dog barking incessantly in the back yard and a wife shouting in the front yard?
The dog will stop barking if you let it back in the house.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby, and the driver says. " Ugh ! What an ugly baby. "
The woman was naturally upset and went straight to the back of the bus, sat down next to this bloke, and said, " the driver insulted my baby, and said it was ugly, I am so upset. "
The bloke said, " I would not stand for it, go back up to the driver and give him a piece of your mind, I will hold your Monkey for you. "
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."
The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."
"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird poo!"
"Well," says the pirate, "I really wasn't used to the hook yet.
Sad news that the worlds tallest, and best preserved banana has finally expired.
So long, old fruit.
I was at home with the wife watching telly and drinking wine. Out of
the blue, the wife says, "I love you."
"Is that you or the wine talking?" I ask
"It's me," says the wife. "Im talking
to the wine."
If I have told you once, I have told you a million times, dont exaggerate.
How do you avoid infection from biting insects ? 🐝🐛🦋🐌🐞🐜🕷
Don't bite them. 064.gif
A brunette was visiting her friends house who was a blonde, and could hear her cheering in delight.
The brunette asked what had happened, and the blond replied she had just completed the last piece to a very difficult Jig saw puzzle.
The brunette asked how long did it take.
The blonde replied, well on the box it says 3 to 5 years, but I did it in just over a month.
My bears diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me.
The vet says he is getting better, but he is not out of the woods yet.
🐻
I noticed on the bookies window today, it said
' Open on a Sunday 11-2 '
I shall have a tenner on that, it was open last Sunday.
Bloke goes for a job as a lion tamer, Ringmaster hands him a whip and says if a Lion comes towards you,you crack the whip once if it carries on coming towards you crack your whip twice, if it still comes towards you crack your whip 3 times. And if it still keeps coming bend down and pick up a handful of s**t and throw it at him, what if there is no s**t replies the bloke, oh believe me there will be! says the ringmaster
If you were locked in a room with a Lion and Cobra and a QPR supporter, and you had a revolver with 2 Bullets, who would you shoot ?
The QPR supporter twice.
My wife asked me to pass her lipstick, a bit distracted I accidentally gave her the super glue. She's still not talking to me .
Quote from: f321ffc on June 26, 2017, 07:36:45 AM
My wife asked me to pass her lipstick, a bit distracted I accidentally gave her the super glue. She's still not talking to me .
My wife is getting so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint roller.
A woman weightlifter goes to the doctors.
"I've been taking steroids, and now I've grown a cock!"
"Anabolic?" asks the doctor
"No, just a cock'
A while back I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring handcuffs, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night, Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic,...... but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."
The anti aging advert I would like to see, is a baby covered in cream saying aaaagh I have used far too much.
