Christmas funnies....

[Fulham Tup North]

 
We could all do with some titters.. so lets have your Christmas crackers... as we build up to Christmas...

When I went to Argentina I was surprised how cold it was... in fact it was bordering on Chile..

The water is so hard where we live, that plumbers have to go around in pairs...


I remember my Mum always tucking me in when I was a child.... I think she really wanted a girl..

 

[Southcoastffc]

What do you get if you cross a snowman with a duck?  Christmas quackers.

My wife was cross when I gave her a glass of red wine instead of the white she wanted. To calm her I  put some fruit in her glass but now she's sangria than ever.

[Dodgin]

What's the difference between a JCB and a giraffe

[Dodgin]

What's the difference between a JCB and a giraffe

An JCB has hydraulics

[Lighthouse]

As the three wise men entered the stable. One of them hit his elbow on the door.

' JESUS H EFFIN CHRIST' He swore in pain

Mary turned to Joseph and whispered.

' That's a better name for the baby than your suggestion of Rupert.'

[mrmicawbers]

Hos does Good King Wenceslas like his Pizza?
Deep Pan,crisp and even.

[St Eve]

I remember the last time it snowed heavily at Christmas. I recall my wife staring through the window for over an hour. I thought to myself if it gets any worse, I will have to let her in.

[Snibbo]

[Dr Know]

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.        I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it !

[FFCBadger]

Getting ready for a Xmas party and i accidentally handed the missus prit stick in stead of lipstick.
She didnt talk to me for ages!

[Southcoastffc]

It was the Christmas show at the care home.

After the carol singing led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the Star of the Show - Claude the Hypnotist!  Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.

"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time" said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.

"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.  "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting
"Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch ----"

The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, the lights twinkling, as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.

A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.

And then, . . . .Suddenly - the chain broke!!!  The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.

"Poo!!" cried Claude......

Apparently it took them three days to clean up the room and Claude was never invited back to entertain them again.

[gerrys]

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. I lost my case.

[Fulham Tup North]

It's been a tough week.. I got myself one of those memory foam mattresses..
And now it's trying to blackmail me...

I have no idea why someone would want to steal my broken calculator?
It just doesn't add-up...

I used to be afraid of Chestnut trees...
But I've managed to conker that fear!

  

[St Eve]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for Christmas."I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds". So I bought her some bathroom scales.

[Free Elvis Hammond]

The first time I ever met my wife, she was wearing a neon green long-sleeved top, matching neon green shorts, and a pair of enormous white gloves

From that moment on I knew she was a keeper

[Fulham Tup North]

I bought a cheap wig this morning... it was a small price toupee..

Apparently, soul singer  Bill Withers had a brother called 'Bear'.
He wrote the music you hear on the phone when you've been put on hold..


Blooming Amazon..  I ordered 4 kindles on a Black Friday deal and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD...


I dreamt I wrote 'Lord of the Rings' the other night... turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep...

I got arrested for illegally downloading the entire Wikipedia.
I said " Wait... I can explain everything"...


I went to the zoo the other day and saw a baguette in a cage.
I thought, hmm.. bread in captivity...

 
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German were sitting in a room, when a man entered and asked, "Can you all see me"?
They replied, "Yes", "Oui", "Si", "Ja"


I've been telling people about the benefit of eating dried grapes...
I believe it's all about raisin awareness...
 

[HV71]

Fulham Tup North - ten minutes after reading your post I'm still tittering at " bread in captivity "

Thank you

[Fulham Tup North]

Fulham Tup North - ten minutes after reading your post I'm still tittering at " bread in captivity "

Thank you

Then my work is done 
Merry Christmas...