Joke

[WhiteJC]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you...

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?






* Get off the merry-go-round, you're pissed. *

[iansthailand]

An Asian gentleman goes into his bank to complain. He says to the cashier last month i sent money to my home country and got 50 for each Pound this month only 40. The cashier replied fluctuations. The Asian responds by saying fluck you British too but where has my money gone?

A couple go to a fancy dress party completely naked with her riding on his back. The host answered the door and said what have you come as. The man replied a Turtle. The host said and who is this pointing to his back.  Oh this is Michelle.

[jarv]

could not stop laughing.

[H4usuallysitting]

It's not the best ceiling I've seen - but it's up there

[ScalleysDad]

To be frank...... I would have to change my name.

Last night down the pub my mates suggested we take up the 10k challenge so I am making a list of things to do.

1. Get new mates

[blingo]

Two scabs falling off of a cliff. One looks to the other and says "Im a gonner ere"

[Woolly Mammoth]

My plumber mate has split up with his wife, he said to her, it's all over Flo.
�

[Peabody]

A rabbit goes into a pub and asked the landlord for a ham and cheese toastie and a pint of bitter, the land lord, who is at the end of his tether, because the pub is not doing well, says nothing and serves the rabbit who goes and consumes his purchases, the four or five customers are amazed. The next night the same thing happens but word had spread and there were a lot more customers and of course, the landlord is delighted. This all goes on for about six months and by this time the pub has become famous, they even have coach parties visiting. Then one evening, the comes in and orders his usual ham and cheese toastie and a pint of bitter but the landlord says, I am sorry me old bunny (they have become friends by now) but I haven't got any ham. The rabbit looks annoyed so the governor says but I can do you a cheese and onion toastie. The rabbit says OK The other patrons all cheer and the rabbit consumes the lot. However, he never came back to the pub again, so the pub declined and everyone stopped going there. One night at closing time, the boss was clearing up and notice a small white cloud hovering and immediately recognises the ghost as the rabbit and he says is that you rabbit? Yes replied the rabbit and I have died, what caused that asks the landlord? Oh I mixedime toasties!!!

[Lighthouse]

A Husband calls a doctor for his sick wife. The doctor arrives and goes into the bedroom. He comes out less than a minute later.

'My God man. Your wife looks as if she has been dead for weeks' The Doctor says.

The Husband shrugs. 'The sex was about the same but I did think the laundry was piling up a bit'.

[WhiteJC]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."



"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?".



With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

[Lighthouse]

True story

An American is talking to a Brit about the differences in their Countries. The Brit says - But don't forget the time difference. In the UK when it's lunchtime the US is still in 1933.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I looked up My family tree and found out I was the sap.

[Dodgin]

A rabbit goes into a pub and asked the landlord for a ham and cheese toastie and a pint of bitter, the land lord, who is at the end of his tether, because the pub is not doing well, says nothing and serves the rabbit who goes and consumes his purchases, the four or five customers are amazed. The next night the same thing happens but word had spread and there were a lot more customers and of course, the landlord is delighted. This all goes on for about six months and by this time the pub has become famous, they even have coach parties visiting. Then one evening, the comes in and orders his usual ham and cheese toastie and a pint of bitter but the landlord says, I am sorry me old bunny (they have become friends by now) but I haven't got any ham. The rabbit looks annoyed so the governor says but I can do you a cheese and onion toastie. The rabbit says OK The other patrons all cheer and the rabbit consumes the lot. However, he never came back to the pub again, so the pub declined and everyone stopped going there. One night at closing time, the boss was clearing up and notice a small white cloud hovering and immediately recognises the ghost as the rabbit and he says is that you rabbit? Yes replied the rabbit and I have died, what caused that asks the landlord? Oh I mixedime toasties!!!

A rabbit puts his paws in one shoe that's mixing me toesies

[ron]

"I'm wearing my new pair of strides.. what do you think?"
"They're Body Line trousers"
"You mean they show off my athletic physique?"
"No, they've got two short legs and a deep mid-wicket"

[BestOfBrede]

Two prostitutes chatting..

Pro 1: have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
Pro 2: nah, but I have been swung around by my tits!

[iansthailand]

Two prostitutes chatting..

Pro 1: have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
Pro 2: nah, but I have been swung around by my tits!

How do you get 4 prostitutes on a bar stool?
Turn it upside down.
2 prostitutes talking. One said my mouth feels like the bottom of a bird cage. The other replies, no wonder you had a **** or two in there last night.
What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
Full up.

[iansthailand]

What do you call a Brazilian girl with only one tooth?
Juanita.

[Dr Know]

Why was the Red Sea so named ?  Because Cleopatra bathed in it periodically!

[WhiteJC]

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

[Dr Know]

What's the difference between a refugee and E T ?    E T learned English and wanted to go home !
.