Joke

[keithh]

SWISS JOKE

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avalanche
Avalanche who
Avalanche after breakfast

[keithh]

MOUNTAIN JOKE

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Precipice
Precipice who
Precipice button after urinating in the toilet

[iansthailand]

Mick and Paddy were in Canada looking for work. They passed a Timber Yard who were advertising for tree fellers. Mick turned to Paddy and said 'it's a pity Shaun isn't with us we could have applied for that'

[Woolly Mammoth]

As a boy I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog."

[Southcoastffc]

Knock knock
Who's there
To
To who?
To WHOM.

[The Little Dave]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are travelling on), and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you...

In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?






* Get off the merry-go-round, you're pissed. *

The linear speed of an object on a merry-go-round will vary depending on the distance from the centre.

[epsomraver]

man living in the Alps goes to bed, during the night the house is engulfed in a avalanche, just the tip of the chimney showing, he gets out of bed , looks around and then hears a voice coming down the chimney, " who is it " he shouts, " its the Red Cross,  " Sod off, I have already given!

[epsomraver]

farmer getting his prize bull ready for the smithfield show, all of a sudden the bull goes cross eyed, " quick phone the vet " he says to his farm hand, vet comes out and says the only cure is to push a length of hose up the bulls arse and blow hard, he does it and the eyes go back to normal,
" you had better take the hose with you in case it happens again" says the vet
 on arrival at Smithfield they unload the gleaming prize bull and straight away his eyes go crossed again! "quick says the farmer get the hose out", he starts to blow, and blow but nothing, exhausted he says to the farm hand, " here you have a go" the farm hand then proceeds to pull the hose out of the arse  and swop the ends over, " What are you doing ? " says the farmer, " well I don't want to put my mouth where yours has been do I!

[blingo]

A man goes to the Dr's and the doc asks what's wrong? The man says, I keep pooing strawberry's, and the doc says, I've got some cream for that.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I once went to a fancy dress party as a loaf of bread, the birds were all over me. 

[Woolly Mammoth]

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!

[Fulham Tup North]

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the ceiling!

Apparently you can't make a water bed more bouncy by filling it with spring water...

[Fulham Tup North]

 
I got home from work last night and someone had nailed a Chelsea season ticket to my front door!
I thought, I'm having that...
You can never have enough nails...

[Fulham Tup North]

Wooly Mamouth ... one of these must tickle your funny bone... surely?

During the war my grandfather could not help drawing... he got hit by the doodle bug

As a young boy my dad used to hit me with the telephone... I was always on the receiving end

I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man..  he was wearing a Cat Flap

My pet camellion can't change colour..  apparently he's suffering from a Repitile dysfunction

I've just tried some Frog flavoured real ale...
You can really taste the hops

I'm not very good at Greek Mythology... that's my Hurcules heel...

I got a dvd and there was a bit that said 'Deleted scenes' I clicked on it... nothing there?

7 of Diamonds ... sorry my minds playing tricks on me

I've not been able to sell a single copy of my autobiography... story of my life

[Lester Burnham]

Naked man, who walks thru airport terminal sideways......is going to Bangkok.

[Woolly Mammoth]

Wooly Mamouth ... one of these must tickle your funny bone... surely?

During the war my grandfather could not help drawing... he got hit by the doodle bug

As a young boy my dad used to hit me with the telephone... I was always on the receiving end

I met a dyslexic Yorkshire man..  he was wearing a Cat Flap

My pet camellion can't change colour..  apparently he's suffering from a Repitile dysfunction

I've just tried some Frog flavoured real ale...
You can really taste the hops

I'm not very good at Greek Mythology... that's my Hurcules heel...

I got a dvd and there was a bit that said 'Deleted scenes' I clicked on it... nothing there?

7 of Diamonds ... sorry my minds playing tricks on me

I've not been able to sell a single copy of my autobiography... story of my life

Thank you, yes those funny jokes were  a bone-us. 

[Peabody]

Unfortunately a young 3 months gone pregnant lady, went into a coma, six months later, she came out of it and immediately asked after her baby, the doctor responded with well, you have had twins a boy and a girl and everything is fine. The young lady was delighted and said have they been named? Yes said the doctor, your brother has names them. My brother, oh goodness he is an idiot, what has he named them? Well said the doctor he has named the girl Denise that's not bad she said what about the boy? Ah said the doc, he has named him Denephew

[Logicalman]

The major organs in the body start a discussion as to which one should be in charge.

The Brain says "I am the one that decides everything, signals the heart and lungs to work, I have all the thinking an intelligence, I should be in charge"

The Heart responds "Not so fast, I work the hardest to ensure that blood gets pumped around the body and without that all the cells and tissues would die, including you, Brain, so I should be in charge"

The Lungs pipe up "Hey, you might pump the blood around the body, but without my efficiency at supplying the oxygen it would be useless, so I should be boss"

Then the kidneys join in "Hey, I'm just as efficient, that blood you talk about, I clean it for you, and without me it would become useless, so I should be in charge"

This carries on with other organs joining in, until, finally, the anus shouts "I should be in charge", but gives no reason. The rest of the organs all start laughing and telling the anus to shut up.

At this, the anus becomes angry and decides to go on strike and refuses to open.

Within a few days the intestines begin to fill up, the body temperature starts rising, and all the other organs begin to get steadily worse.

Finally, they all agree, just to survive, the anus should be in charge.

Moral of the story: You don't have to be brainy, smart, hard working or efficient to be in charge, you just have to be an arseh*le.


(apologies for the swearing, it's pretty integral to the joke, unfortunately).

[WhiteJC]

An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years.

The man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes".

The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..."
After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.

"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."

[WhiteJC]

I met some chess enthusiasts in a hotel lobby today. They all just kept bragging about how good they are at the game...

Ugh, there's nothing worse than chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.