NFR -- Great one liners

[HatterDon]

Just remembered this excerpt from a Brett Butler [American female comedian] routine:

"I divorced my husband on religious grounds. I'm a Southern Baptist and he's Satan."


Any faves of yours you'd like to share?

[Burt]

"Anything worth doing is worth doing slowly".

From the incomparable Mae West.

[finnster01]

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

[Quills]

A few great ones from Jimmy Carr, the only one I can remember off the top of my head (and I hope isn't too offensive, sorry mods):

I once broke up with a girl because she lied about her weight.  Well, I say that, actually she died in a bungee jump accident.

[Nick the Swede]

-"Son, the most important thing about sports is not to win, it's about who gets most drunk." - Homer Simpson

[Not sure it is an exact quote]

[Holders]

America is the only country to go from barbarism to decadence without an intervening period of civilisation - Oscar Wilde

[Airfix]

"One arm butlers – they can take it but they can't dish it out..." Tim Vine, current king of the one-liner.

[MOR :]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzqXggZU3eE#ws

[BalDrick]

Gerry Sadowitz - what do you get if you cross Tina Turner and an orangutan?

A f***ing ugly orangutan

[ron]

Out of many, one that springs to mind is from President Harry S Truman....

    "I never gave anyone Hell; I just told them the truth, and it sounded like Hell....."

[zzamora]

I went on one of those once in a lifetime holidays recently,

Never again.

[VB]

My old mum use to say;
'If you find lumps in it, dont shout about it'
not sure if its a saying but it could be sound advice :022:

[Senior Supporter]

When I tried my best but still failed miserably I learnt a valuable lesson.  Don't try.

[sunburywhite]

Nice clear night tonight - Captain of the Titanic

[Snibbo]

"It wasn't the cough that carried him off, it was the coffin they carried him off in".  My Dad. Don't know where he got it from.

[Burt]

"It wasn't the cough that carried him off, it was the coffin they carried him off in".  My Dad. Don't know where he got it from.

My father in law says that too!

Your dad wouldn't be a brummie by any chance?!!

[Snibbo]

"It wasn't the cough that carried him off, it was the coffin they carried him off in".  My Dad. Don't know where he got it from.

My father in law says that too!

Your dad wouldn't be a brummie by any chance?!!

No he was Irish, from Co. Mayo, but worked on the buildings in London for most of his life.

[epsomraver]

My old mum use to say;
'If you find lumps in it, dont shout about it'
not sure if its a saying but it could be sound advice :022:

Especially in the pants  department!

[FC Silver Fox]

Feel free to use any of these as you see fit:

1. Ahhh...I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never?  Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of s**t.
11. I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision.  I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you.  We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I?  Flypaper for freaks?
20. I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable...Time to up the medication.
25. Who me?  I just wander from room to room.
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn't an office.  It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
30. You!  Off my planet!
31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
32. Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed.
33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
34. Allow me to introduce my selves.
35. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
36. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
37a. Not all men are annoying.  Some are dead.
37b. Not all women are annoying.  Some are dead.
38. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
40. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
41. Can I trade this job for what's behind door number one?
42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
43. Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?

[King_Crud]

"don't drink too much, and stay away from loose women" - my mum circa when i was around 18/19/20. I didn't listen......