NFR Some Light Relief

[LillieBoy]

More brilliance from The Daily Mash:  

THE England football team's new kit is expensive because it is made from a cutting-edge material called PissTake.

A Nike spokesman said: "Our patented PissTake fibres, designed in a space station, draw waste materials out of your skin, hence the name.

"It's a very special textile with coolants, breathants and also some ventilants. Wearing it, you'll be the most ventilated you've ever been.

"You need expensive shorts too, they're impregnated with a super-light gonad-protecting alloy which we've named Gul-A-Ball."

13-year-old Stephen Malley said: "I really want this kit. But I've worked out I'll be 43 by the time I've saved up enough pocket money, and I might have gone off football by then."

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LIVERPOOL fans are on the brink of regaining their status as the most annoying in England.

Once the most feared topic of conversation in Europe, Liverpool have had their sense of smugness eroded for the last 24 years.

But with the team six games from league victory, Steven Gerrard said: "We have the best fans in the world for self-mythologising, so it will be great to give them something to buttonhole complete strangers about.

"If we lift the trophy, for years to come the players' names will be constantly on the lips of irritating people who have trapped others in the corners of pubs."

Two teams stand between Liverpool's fans being unable to just shut up for five minutes. Favourites are Manchester City, whose own supporters are clinging to a sense of superiority over people making the arbitrary decision to support Manchester United instead.

Chelsea also want to derail Liverpool's attempt at being beyond the pale, and feel that with John Terry and Jose Mourinho involved they are well placed to do so.



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