NFR Mildl Amusing Joke

[Peabody]

The  Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a
vacuum cleaner.  Talk about Dyson with death.

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get
one cheaper off the web.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RAC van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I
thought to myself, that guy's heading for a breakdown.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you
believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my
Bagpipes.


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the
worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


The wife was counting all the 5ps and 10ps out on the kitchen table
when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for
no reason.

I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexists. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse
the bloody thing!

Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who's stabbed six people
in the rear in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!

A teddy bear is working on a building site.He goes for a tea break and
when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen.
The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman.

The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you,
today's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

[Airfix]

Come in, Mr Vine, your time is up!

[SouthfieldWhite]

Jesus, they are all nearly as old as this one ;-)

Police arrested 2 boys last night, one for drinking car battery fluid, the other for eating fireworks

The charged one and let the other one off.


To be fair though Peabody is the only one who can get away with crap jokes so please all leave it to Peabody :-)

[Neil D]

A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, "Five beers, please."

[YankeeJim]

 :Get Coat gif: