NFR Joke

[Peabody]

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the coin as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco's supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared . . .

(You're going to hate me for this . . .)




. . . 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco's'

[blingo]

 fp.gif fp.gif fp.gif :Get Coat gif: 064.gif

[HV71]

Really good - thanks for cheering me up

[Fernhurst]

Thanks Mr P ...... Reminds of headline in the paper.

Nut screws washer and bolts. 

[Southcoastffc]

It's rare that reading a joke makes me laugh out loud but that did the trick!   You're on form Mr P!!  :Haynes The Maestro:

[jarv]

 064.gif

[nose]

good one!
my favourite food globe artichoke

[Burt]

Isn't this joke artichoke-ist?

[oldgit]

My wife and I were at a service in the church when my wife said to me "I have just let off a silent fart, what should I do"? I said that I would get new batteries for her hearing aid

[HV71]

My wife and I were at a service in the church when my wife said to me "I have just let off a silent fart, what should I do"? I said that I would get new batteries for her hearing aid

Are you trying to trump Peabody?

[oldgit]

My wife has bad hearing but I have a poor sense of smell. Hence my love of Brut aftershave. I even enjoy going to French motorway toilets. But that's another story.

[Logicalman]

Thank you Mr. P for never giving up. Another wonderful joke sir.

[Forever Fulham]

Thanks for that.  Reminds me of the old knock knock joke:

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Banana.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Banana.

Banana who?

Banana.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Orange.

Orange?  Orange who?

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

[Holders]

Every Lidl helps.

[Logicalman]

This was always one of my favorites, many different versions, but this one will do ... (I apologize up front if the a word is considered swearing - it's better than the usual word used though)

You don't need brains to be a Boss.

When the body was first created, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control all of the body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss since we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

Finally, the arse spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the arse being the Boss. So, the arse went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time, the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic, and the brain fevered. Eventually, they all decided that the arse should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the poo!

Moral Of The Story: You don't need a brain to be a Boss----any arse will do.

[Hurby]

Mr H laughed and laughed at your joke, Mr Peabody. I had to go back to re-read it to make sure I hadn't missed any other funny bits. Thank you as always.

[Woolly Mammoth]

A bloke walked into a Pub with a slab of Asphalt under his arm, and said to the barman, a Beer please, and one for the road.

[ron]

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the coin as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco's supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared . . .

(You're going to hate me for this . . .)




. . . 'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 @ Tesco's'

It was a sad end to the relationship...after all the couple in their wedding vows had promised to beetroot to each other until death....... :54:

[ron]

When the inventor of the "Drawing Board" messed up, what did he go back to ?

The Jobcentre..?

[Martinsback]

Paper cowboy had a paper horse, paper gun belt, paper boots, paper hat and paper saddle...he was done for rustling...