OK, No football, so let's hear your Christmas Cracker jokes!

[Woolly Mammoth]

If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score.

[Steven Ageroad]

Why didn't the skeleton go to the christmas party?

Because he had nobody to go with.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I spilt some stain remover on my sleeve, how do I get that out.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I walked into W H Smith & Son earlier today, and I asked the woman behind the counter, "do you keep stationary ?" She replied, "yes right up to the last minute, then I go like the clappers."

[Woolly Mammoth]

Just before the new year, I ordered a Duck over the Internet, and it's just arrived with a massive  Bill.

[Fulham Tup North]

I went to the Doctors this week and said I did not feel well.  He said "ok, I need you to take off all your clothes".  I said ok, where shall I put them?  He said "Put them over there.... on top of mine"  :(

[Woolly Mammoth]

I went to the Doctors this week and said I did not feel well.  He said "ok, I need you to take off all your clothes".  I said ok, where shall I put them?  He said "Put them over there.... on top of mine"  :(

I like that one

[Woolly Mammoth]

A woman walked into a police station, and said to the Sgt behind the desk. " I have just been raped by a Docker". The Sgt asked her, " how do you know he was a Docker" ?  She looked at him and replied, " well he was wearing a flat cap, had a hook in his belt, and I done all the work ".

[ron]

The market survey rep asked the first passer-by if he used Vaseline, and if so, what for...
"Yes, I use it for automotive purposes" comes the reply "a little of it on the battery terminals ensures easy winter starting...."
"Excellent, thank you sir" says the rep.
The second passer-by is asked the same questions..
"Yes, for medicinal purposes" he says "it prevents chapped lips during the winter"
"Thank you" says the rep, and duly notes the answer down.
Inevitably, a third passer-by arrives and is asked the same question...
"Yes, I use it to improve intimacy with my wife" he says.
"May I ask how?" says the rep..
"Well, I've got four young kids, so I smear it on my bedroom doorknob to keep the little buggers out........."

[Fulham Tup North]

 082.gif.  I was given one job when I worked in Wales, all I had to do was go to this one field and count the number of sheep for this farmer, but I kept falling asleep  :wine: :wine:

[f321ffc]

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas, it wasn't her main present,
just a stocking filler.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I have just got a cab, the driver said "I love my job, I own this car, I have my own business, nobody tells be what to do". I said " turn right here mate ".

[Williams Tale]

A guy went into a pet shop to buy a goldfish , the fella behind the counter said do you want an aquarium , the guy said i dont mind what star sign it is i just want a goldfish .

[Woolly Mammoth]

I also went into the same pet shop as Williams Tale an hour later to buy a Sabre Tooth Tiger, and while I was there, a bloke threw a bomb into the shop saying " you have two minutes to clear the premises". The Parrot replied " that doesn't give the Tortoise much chance ".

[Woolly Mammoth]

I went to the Doctors the other day and said have you got anything for wind. So he gave me a kite.