NFR - Friday jokes

[Burt]

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are. But I laugh more!

So what if I don't know what "Armageddon" means? It's not the end of the world.

[WhiteJC]

I've lost my thesaurus, I can't find the words to tell you how upset I am

I can give you the leading cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell 

is stealing from the Apple store only scrumping?

[Ara's bacon crisps]

I love my ceiling. It may not be the best in the world, but it's definitely up there.

[Mince n Tatties]

Who wrote "The Nail in Bannister"?
R...Stornaway.

[Dr Know]

My dads answer to everything was alcohol. ,  he wasn't a big drinker , he was just s**t at crosswords .  My mum always said it's now or never , wonderful woman , absolutely s**t at crosswords .

[BigbadBillyMcKinley]

My wife says she`s leaving me because I act like a TV host.


Will she really leave me though? Find out, after the break

[Woolly Mammoth]

Alcohol and Women killed my uncle, he couldn't get either so he hung himself.

[Dr Know]

My aunts star sign was cancer , pretty ironic really , she was killed by a giant crab .