Is it time for Friday jokes?

[Burt]

Yes, why the hell not?

This week, courtesy of @DadJokeMan:

• "I think the heat is getting to me, I'm trying to think of a good pun about ice cream toppings but I can't remember any. I used to have hundreds and thousands of them."

• "I have decided that from the start of next week I am going to dress as a different kind of bread every day. Roll on Monday!"

• "I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock. We had a big falling out though, and now she won't give me the time of day."

• "To keep me busy I'm building a machine that distributes herbs around a dining table. It's not much, but it passes the thyme."

• "I went out drinking with the Beach Boys. It was alright until I asked whose round it was."

Thank you, and goodnight.

[Southcoastffc]

One I heard recently:

A friend of mine has recently set up his own business selling bonsai trees.  He's doing so well he's looking for smaller premises.

[Holders]

Two Roman pueri chatting up two puellae in a domus publicus:

"Salve! I'm Quintus, I'm the fifth son"

"I'm Sextus, I'm the sixth son"

"I'm Ivy, so I'm the fourth daughter"

"and your name?"

"Liv".

[Peabody]

A man paid £50 for a talking centipede, when he got it home, nothing, not a word. So, after a while, the bloke started to get fed up, he thought I've be done up like a turkey here, so in desparation, he said to the centipede, do you fancy going to the pub for a drink? Again nothing, except for a lot of scurrying about. So he says again, do fancy a pint at the pub? Again, nothing, so for third time, how about going to the pub? With that the centipede stuck his head out and says for goodness sake, let me put my shoes on.

[Peabody]

A Roman soldier walks into a bar and holds up two fingers and says five beers please

[Woolly Mammoth]

If you are ever attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler. 

[cottage expat]

Bloke goes into a pet shop to buy a goldfish. Salesman ask if he wants an aquarium.
Bloke replies: I don't care what star sign it has.

[YankeeJim]

Its official. Peabody is the only Brit with a funny bone.

[Woodlawn]

Husband & wife are in church on a Sunday,wife leans over and whispers to her husband " I have just let out a silent fart,what shall I do". Her husband say to he.  Turn on your deaf aid.

[Woolly Mammoth]

Its official. Peabody is the only Brit with a funny bone.

That is humerus

[KingofCheese]

I have a phobia of my lift at work but I am taking steps to avoid it.

[JEEVES]

Does anyone have a joke which is like "a Brentford fan, QPR fan and a Fulham fan walked into a pub.." ? And if not, I bet there's some clever geezers on here that can come up with some good ones? Think we'd all love to hear them!

[St Eve]

A man paid £50 for a talking centipede, when he got it home, nothing, not a word. So, after a while, the bloke started to get fed up, he thought I've be done up like a turkey here, so in desparation, he said to the centipede, do you fancy going to the pub for a drink? Again nothing, except for a lot of scurrying about. So he says again, do fancy a pint at the pub? Again, nothing, so for third time, how about going to the pub? With that the centipede stuck his head out and says for goodness sake, let me put my shoes on.

That's funny

[clanky]

1/ Don't have much to say positivley about Switzerland but I know their flag's a big plus

2/ I have a fear of negative numbers, I stop at nothing.

3/ My wife informed me that sex was better on holiday. That was an awkward postcard to receive

( Sat morning overspill- sure there will be cheap Barca football shirts going on Ebay this morning )

[Woolly Mammoth]

I initially refused to believe that my flat mate who is a road worker was stealing from his job, however when I got home all the signs were there.

[Peabody]

A man sees a sign outside a house -
'Talking Dog For Sale .'
He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."
The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders. Because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years." 

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals.

I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."           

The man was amazed.
He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.
"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10.....!!?  But this dog is absolutely  amazing!
Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the garden."

[cottage expat]

Will glass coffins ever catch on ?


Remains to be seen.

[YankeeJim]

Its official. Peabody is the only Brit with a funny bone.

That is humerus

OK. You and Peabody.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check table cloth, and it took him the best part of an hour to pass the salt.

[Holders]

I was having dinner with a world chess champion and there was a check table cloth, and it took him the best part of an hour to pass the salt.
[/quote

Just as well you hadn't asked for the Port.