NFR - Christmas Eve

[St Eve]

Every Christmas Eve our family tradition is to read aloud the best Christmas cracker jokes. After 35 years I need some new material. Any help would be appreciated. Woolly I am relying on you.

[Woolly Mammoth]

What did Adam say to Eve at Christmas ?
  " It's Christmas, Eve. "

[Dr Know]

Good king Wenceslas , what was his favourite food ?           Pizza , he liked it deep pan , crisp and even !

[JimmyConway]

Just met a chinese drug addict "he said have you seen my cocaine?"         "not since the Italian job i replied"

[Mince n Tatties]

I asked the wife the other night what she'd like for Xmas..She said"Nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace"
So I've got her Nothing.😁

[cookieg]

Two nuns in a bath. One says "where's the soap?" the other one says "yes it does doesn't it".

[Woolly Mammoth]

stressed is just desserts spelt backwards.

[The Old Count]

Why did the chicken cross Hollywood Boulevard?
To see Gregory Peck.

[Southcoastffc]

How did Mary and Joseph figure out baby Jesus was exactly 7lb 9oz? They had a weigh in a manger

[H4usuallysitting]

I got a broken drum for Christmas.... You can't beat it

[Andy S]

It might be easier to change the tradition as the jokes aren't getting any better

[blingo]

What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?   Plenty of room

[filham]

Surely Christmas Eve is 24hours too early to judge the best Christmas jokes, wait until after Christmas Dinner there may be the odd new joke in this year's crackers.
I am expecting at least one or two based on Boris/Parties.

[Southcoastffc]

Surely Christmas Eve is 24hours too early to judge the best Christmas jokes, wait until after Christmas Dinner there may be the odd new joke in this year's crackers.
I am expecting at least one or two based on Boris/Parties.

Why does Jackie Weaver control the weather at Christmas? She has snow authority.

Why will Keir Starmer be sad on Christmas morning? He'll still have no presence.

Why did Matt Hancock have to buy his aide really expensive Christmas presents? She had him up against a wall.

Why are we only having broccoli, cabbage and peas as veg this Christmas? Because 52% of the family said no to Brussels.

Why does Christmas scrabble take so long with Boris Johnson? He keeps going back on his word.

Why didn't Santa replace Comet and Cupid when they left to become HGV drivers? It was just two deer.

Why did Rudolph's nose have to self-isolate? It failed the lateral glow test.

Which vaccine did Father Christmas get? Mince Pfizer.

Which relative will not be at Chris Whitty's Christmas dinner? Aunty Vaxxer. 

Why is Christmas dinner vegan this year? Because Turkey is on the red list but vegetables are all green.

[Fulham Tup North]

Just seen Chris Rea on my train. Liar!!

·         I lost two stone on the Adam Ant diet and it's so easy. "don't chew ever, don't chew ever..."!

·         I'm trying to give up eating cold turkey, but not sure how?  I reckon gradually.

·         When it comes to pastry earmuffs I'm a bit of a pioneer.

·         I recently met a Dyslexic Yorkshireman.  He had a cat flap on his head.
To the person who stole my Owl costume... I'd be looking over my shoulder if I were you.

·         I bought a slimming magazine in WH Smiths. I didn't read it, I just wanted a big bar of Galaxy for £1.

·         We shouldn't have got Patrick Swayze to redesign our nursery.  He's put the cot right in the middle of the room.

·         "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer"

·         "My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

[mrmicawbers]

Good king Wenceslas , what was his favourite food ?           Pizza , he liked it deep pan , crisp and even !

Got to say that's the funniest one I have pulled out of a cracker.

[Wingnut]

Why couldn't Mary and Joseph join their work conference call? Because there was no Zoom at the inn.

[Barrett487]

Did you hear about the Hyena that ate an Oxo cube? He became a laughing stock.

[Woolly Mammoth]

i am not saying i live in a rough area, but i bought an advent calendar and half the windows are boarded up.

[Lester Burnham]

How about the worlds shortest joke?  Just two words.  'Dwarf shortage'