dark times need a joke

[ALG01]

it's lifted from a US based site so i left it in $US

Good News Bad News
A New York attorney representing a very wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client. "Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $500 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

[Bassey the warrior]

That made me chuckle. Thanks.

[WindyCity]

Thks, good one, made me chuckle, copied and sent off to friends and family......

[Andy S]

That's not funny that is tantamount to blackmail

[blingo]

I laughed

[Finnans Right Peg]

I thought it was funny

[filham]

Once again it demonstrates that the female is the more deadly of the species.

[Woolly Mammoth]

Once again it demonstrates that the female is the more deadly of the species.

Ask any Scorpion.

[Mr K.Dilkington]

Once again it demonstrates that the female is the more deadly of the species.

Yikes 😂 you said not I....👍

[Woolly Mammoth]

As it is Shrove Tuesday today, ( Pancake Day ).
It reminds me of a time i was in my local pub with one of my sons, and i got talking to a bloke at the bar and during the conversation he asked my son his name and my son replied George.
This bloke asked me why we called him George, and i replied that we named him George after St. George's day, and this bloke said that's a coincidence as we named our son David after St Davids day.
Then suddenly another bloke standing near by said, sorry but i could not help over hearing your conversation but what a coincidence, your reasons for naming your sons is the same reason we named our son Pancake.

[bobbo]

It made me laugh alg

[Dodger53]

Thank you for tossing that one in😊

[ron]

"My daughter is called Venice, because that's where she was conceived...do you have children?"
"Yes, I've got a son called Vauxhall Astra"

[Baston White]

My wife came running in from the garden this morning moaning that somebody had pinched her knickers from the washing line.
"I'm not worried about the knickers" she said " I just want the 46 pegs back!!".

[Holders]

Oh, is it pancake day? That crêped up on me.

[Woolly Mammoth]

This is a story to inspire you to
reach for your dreams and never,
ever give up. Many years ago my
mate's missus came a close
second in the Miss England 1997
competition. Later that year she
was beset by a long period of bad
luck. She suffered years of drug
and alcohol abuse and a series of
eating disorders. She lost a leg
and needed facial reconstruction
surgery after a road traffic
accident. Later, she suffered 90%
burns in an unprovoked acid
attack. Several of her teeth were
knocked out and an eye gouged
out in a fight outside a KFC
takeaway. The stress caused
severe hair loss and facial warts.
But she NEVER, ever stopped
believing and finally, last month,
she was crowned Miss Scotland

[mrmicawbers]

Apparently Nicola Sturgeons nickname at Uni.was Seaweed because even the tide wouldn't take her out.

[Holders]

A bloke in Moscow goes up to newspaper seller each day, buys a paper, looks at the headline and then throws the paper in a bin. This goes on for several days and eventually the seller asks him why he does that. He says that he's looking for an obituary and the seller tells him that obituaries aren't on the front page. The bloke replies "this one will be".

[RufusBrevettatemyhamster]

My penis was in the guinness book of records once.



Then the librarian asked me to take it out.




I'll get my coat... :Get Coat gif:

[keithh]

So you took the book out?