NFR, advice re gaming addiction...

[Fulham 442]

I think this is a serious problem Burt in that it is impacting on his school life and therefore his future.  My youngest son greatly underachieved at school, although he was never academic, and left at 16 with very low grade GCSE's and felt aimless and without direction.  He started gaming, although not to the levels your son does, but I felt that solitary pursuits were really not what he needed, even if he was playing online with others.  Unbeknown to me he went to the GP and got a prescription for anti depressants, luckily he told me when he got home and I binned it!  I then got him to do a Princes Trust course, which included a stint at Motspur Park!, a St John's Ambulance first aid course, soccer coaching course and when he turned 17 driving lessons which really ticked all the right boxes!  Shortly afterward he got himself a job and has never looked back.  I think it is a case of knowing your son and what will get him out of the cave as I think that it is a slippery slope.  Do hope this helps.
PS  WM your flippant remarks, as always, are really not helpful or wanted here.

[Joseffc]

In all seriousness, unless there is an underlying mental health issue which is causing him to want to stay indoors, this will likely change when he gets a girlfriend..

Was never really a 'hardcore' gamer, but hobbies as previously mentioned will help too. Regrettably I find it difficult to spend much time gaming, as I used to enjoy FM, FIFA and one or 2 others, due to other interests (mainly football related). Also as I've got older and taken on more responsibilities, the time I can allow myself to afford to such activities has drastically reduced.

[os5889 mkII]

Mum and dad used just take the controllers away for a few hours back in the day! Worked a treat.

[RaySmith]

I don't know anything about gaming, but echoing what others have said here, with all addictions it's important to look at the underlying reasons behind it - to find out if your son has serious problems beyond the normal teenage problems, though I appreciate that this won't be easy, but he might actually want help but feel unable to ask for it.

But you have to be careful, and build up trust with him, and not push him into anything.

Good luck, anyway, and I hope your son manages to get back on even keel soon.

[Walsh]

Let's just hope your not footing the bill for his hotspot! Can incur extra charges.

Tbh, I was the same when younger and still am to some extent.

But try and introduce him to new things, engage with him in hobbies, sport and creative stuff.

He may enjoy it more than gaming!

Damn, I used to play nearly 17 hours a day back in University and days off but it's often misunderstood in my eyes.

It's still an activity with friends if he is playing online and if that's what all his friends are doing too, it's hard for him to focus on something else.

Plus, if they are genuinely talented at the game, some people make a fortune through gaming.

Video games get a bad reputation, but you have to see from their side. If everyone else is doing it he/she wouldn't want to be left out.

But introducing them to other hobbies and other things can help :)

I live for football, but even I at 23 have 'gaming days'!

PC or console?

I'm a PC gamer and there is nothing more addictive than PC gaming in my opinion. It wastes so much time and it's something I've only recently managed to sort out. Unfortunately it's something that he will have to change himself. There isn't much you can say to him that will make him stop.

The only thing I can think of is make him earn the games if he wants a new game.

You're a proper nerd though, Walsh.

Thanks mate.

[Andy S]

I think there is such a thing as an addictive personality. What you need to do is sit and talk as a family if possible. Confrontation like taking the X-box or whatever will work with younger kids but as they get older you need to deal with it in an adult way. So tell him you want a chat and set a time and how long your get together will last. Add some other family problems if you have any and get advice from him. Agreement from him and a way forward from him. Try not to go down the confrontation route with him. If it all tips up get agreement for another meeting and a date and time.

He may be as concerned as you. He may not be able to ask for help. But he may be able to allay your fears. and worries. But you may one day be able to look back on this episode and smile.

I had everything with my son from grounding him, stand up fights and suspensions from school. He is in his 30's now with kids of his own, But we are best mates and it is all down to the chats.

[Rudolph]

Easy solution, get him the console format below the one he has. Then only allow him to play a game that doesn't allow him to change the settings or game tactics despite the opponent's ability to beat him constantly.  He will soon get bored and look for another thing to do.

[Forever Fulham]

Excessive online gaming stunts social development.  But you know that.   It also has a negative effect on grades.  But you probably know that too.  There's a tremendous amount of repetitive behavior in the popular Xbox and PlayStation games.   I don't think it provides meaningful stimulation.   And too much of it turns you into a slug.  If you have ambitions for your son, crack the whip now.  Make yourself unpopular.  He may never thank you for it.  But you will have done the right thing for which you can take cold comfort.   We found our son had befriended two boys who played online games way too much, and he started to get sucked into that environment.  We put a stop to it and suffered temporary hell from him for it.  I'm pretty proud with how he's turned out, so I think we made the right call on that one.  Oh, he still plays online games now and then, but he's got a core of self-discipline and time management that he didn't have way back then. 

[love4ffc]

Burt,

Not to show my age but when I was a lad my brother and I had the original Atari gaming system.  We played that thing for hours on end.  However we rarely played all hours of the day due to our parents keeping us busy with outdoor activities.  Sports and such were a big thing in our family. 

While we did not play all day we did pull some all-nighters.  I cannot say that my school grades were effected or that the hours I spent playing stunted my social development.  Though I have developed a habit (good or bad?) of spending probably way too much time on this board.  At least in the eyes of my misses. 

I now have a 14 year old son who plays for hours on his PS3 and PS4 (both he has bought with his own money).  Like my parents though my misses and I keep our children busy outside of the house with both of our children in running clubs and playing for youth football teams.  I do however allow the boy to put in some long hours on his gaming systems now and then.  I even join him on occasion and we have a really good time at it. 

Bottom line in my mind is we are the parents.  We have to set the rules when it comes to the amount of gaming time our children get in a 24 hour period.  Whether our children like it or not they need to know that what we as parents say goes.  If he argues with us then he loses his gaming systems and he knows that is that. 
On a side note my son has always been a homebody.  Which is funny because once we force him to go out with his mates he has a great time.  We also have a nice basement room that I have remodeled with a smaller pub size billiard table and darts board.  We find when his mates come over they spend as much time playing billiards and darts as they do playing the video games. 

Don

[cottage expat]

I would speak to somebody at Gamblers Anonymous for advice. I'm sure they must get worried parents going to them. You needn't mention to your son that you are doing this,  but they will give you support and advice that will help you be able to deal with this problem.

My Brother has issues with his son who is 18, they are so so concerned about it. He went to a very very good school, is priviledge and now seems to be throwing it all away. He is secretive, hiding, disappearing etc. But he is such a lovely lad and is so polite but obviously going through some sort of angst.

I would speak to somebody at Gamblers Anonymous for advice. I'm sure they must get worried parents going to them. You needn't mention to your son that you are doing this,  but they will give you support and advice that will help you be able to deal with this problem.

My Brother has issues with his son who is 18, they are so so concerned about it. He went to a very very good school, is priviledge and now seems to be throwing it all away. He is secretive, hiding, disappearing etc. But he is such a lovely lad and is so polite but obviously going through some sort of angst.

There's a lot of advice from different perspectives (parents, former/current gamers etc.) offered here. The advice based on personal experiences is probably the most helpful. However, I have to agree with Mrs. B. that it would also be useful to contact the professionals at Gamblers Anonymous who, hopefully, will be able to provide guidance on how to address the problem. All the best to you, Burt.

[BobbyTheBrain]

I'm currently spending hours playing a game called hooligans and I'll admit it, I'm completely addicted and have stopped going to work as a result. I've modded it so my group of thugs are Fulham and my opponents are QPR and Brentford. I highly recommend this game.

https://youtu.be/ad95Rz5nfj0

[valdeingruo]

I saw a comment above listed about making a log. That would be a big eye opener if he just was being oblivious to the time. I once calculated that I spent a whole days worth of time on games during the week and that was enough for me to curb it.

That being said, some of my best friends are on consoles and it is a whole different dynamic than from what you are used to.

Understanding it and going from there,limiting not taking away completely would be best.

[Burt]

I'm 20, so I can tell you that video gaming very much is a thing of this generation. I probably have had days where I sat playing my Xbox more often than not. Gaming is now it's own culture, people can do their hobby from the comfort of their own room whilst picking up all the information from the world on their phone or laptop and talking to their friends through the microphone.

The social experience of gaming with your friends is a much better one than anything else going on for a young person today. There's pretty much nothing to do for a young person to do cheaply unless you are going to rob a shop or nick a car - so why not sit down with my friends and play video games either together or simply playing different games and having a general chat?

Bron says something really good - introduce them to other hobbies. I think that's key for both the physical and social side, not only does it keep up the interaction face-to-face but it gets them off their arse and running (depending on the hobby). At my peak of playing video games, I were also playing county rugby so I was constantly meeting new people and getting a run out (I must add that I busted my knee and was on crutches for year - which did make having an Xbox a life saver).

I'm not a parent, nor close to it, so maybe I don't see it through those eyes, but as somebody who has 'grown out' of gaming but was a frequent player - I can tell you it is probably fairly normal. I would (again I'm not a parent) not restrict access to his console, but try to convince him to take up a hobby; maybe even one that isn't the 'norm' something like hockey (I don't know what Burt Jr is into).

I hope I've helped somewhat. Any questions of course, happy to help.

Thanks Frankie, I think there are two transitions needed, me to accept that "times have changed", and to engage with him and accept that whilst encouraging other things in his life. He discovered beer whilst we were away for the last two weeks so I guess that's a start! Thanks again for your perspective.

Burt.

[Burt]

Let's just hope your not footing the bill for his hotspot! Can incur extra charges.

Tbh, I was the same when younger and still am to some extent.

But try and introduce him to new things, engage with him in hobbies, sport and creative stuff.

He may enjoy it more than gaming!

Damn, I used to play nearly 17 hours a day back in University and days off but it's often misunderstood in my eyes.

It's still an activity with friends if he is playing online and if that's what all his friends are doing too, it's hard for him to focus on something else.

Plus, if they are genuinely talented at the game, some people make a fortune through gaming.

Video games get a bad reputation, but you have to see from their side. If everyone else is doing it he/she wouldn't want to be left out.

But introducing them to other hobbies and other things can help :)

I live for football, but even I at 23 have 'gaming days'!

PC or console?

I'm a PC gamer and there is nothing more addictive than PC gaming in my opinion. It wastes so much time and it's something I've only recently managed to sort out. Unfortunately it's something that he will have to change himself. There isn't much you can say to him that will make him stop.

The only thing I can think of is make him earn the games if he wants a new game.

Console. PS4. Although when that is not available he switches to Civ IV on his laptop. And when that is not available then some stuff on his mobile. I agree that he needs to accept that it's something he needs to control as without that acceptance it's unlikely to happen. However I would like to think there are things that I can do to help that, as per the advice given.

Thanks.

[Burt]

get him a girlfriend, then you will be worried what hes up to in his cave all day,

True dat... So far he hasn't shown much inclination in that direction!

[Burt]

Thankfully when I was a kid we spent every moment of daylight outside either playing football, cricket,tennis or cycling. We would make soap box carts, go fishing, go on train rides to places we have never been to. Thank goodness we never have the technology that kids have today. Modern kids are unfit, physically & mentally. Tell your boy to get a life. We are not on this earth for ever.

Believe me the "get a life" and "when I was a boy" approach are ones that have been used umpteen times. Has no impact. If anything, it entrenches him and makes him more resentful. Times have moved on and (at risk of over-generalizing) social media, online gaming etc. are this generation's equivalent of how we used to socialize.

[Burt]

he'll more than likely grow out of it, I did.

Though you probably would have been better off misplacing the PS4 instead of messing about with the router.

Ultimately if you can get him away from it for any sustained period of time you'll find the desire to play will completely diminish (more in the fact that he'll be out of touch and not as good which I find is directly in correlation to the enjoyment/addiction level)

Tried all of these... Consoles disappearing, controllers going AWOL, etc. etc. And during term time there is no weekday play, and in the lead-up to exams none whatsoever. Hopefully it will be something he grows out of...

[Burt]

Have you tried teaching him to knock on people's front doors and run away. That should keep him occupied. The downside is that you may get some irate householder coming to your house demanding an explanation.
But hey it's a price worth paying, it's either that or Draughts.

there is a right and wrong time for silly remarks, the Guy has a problem that is worrying him and is is asking for help from others

I was being serious, who are you his Minder ?

you were being serious? so you think the remedy for gaming addiction is to play knock and run?

Or Draughts

Epsom is indeed my minder, and he and a crew of heavies are on their way to sort you out...  :dft011:

That said, when we are away and he doesn't have gaming time he does actually love things like cards (Canasta and hold 'em in particular) and backgammon, so encouraging some of that whilst we are at home may be a good idea. I'll pass on the Knock & Run suggestion though, I don't want to be the local pariah.

[Burt]

(...)engage him in something else, take an interest in his gaming, and even join in every now and again (If you can), he might listen a little more if he doesn't feel an 'us and them' attitude towards you.

Gaming addictions is a hard one to overcome. The above quote is really good advise especially the thing about you trying out the game(s) and perhaps playing a little yourself. It may help to break down any distance that normally occurs between parent and a child with a gaming addiction and help you gain some insight on what he is spending his time on.

Gaming in itself is not that bad but as anything else overuse and addictiveness is. Try not to build a fence between you and him with negativity and try to be proactive as much a possible. Do not lose sight on some of the benefits that is involved with being a gamer.

Talk to him about what it is he gets out of gaming, what is his hopes, perhaps dreams with it. I could be he is trying to escape from reality or perhaps he dreams of becoming a pro gamer, just having a laugh or whatever. Whatever the reason behind it is, It will help if he and you are aware of the reasons behind it - AND THIS IS KEY, to any further actions you may want to take.

You could try to get him to do a log for himself so that he can keep track on how much time he puts into it, of cause he will have to be honest with himself, but it can be an eye opener.

I was about to write back and forth on use of schedules why they often fail but how they can be good but again this is very case by case based. You said that you banned him from gaming on weekdays though and I have a small comment on that.
It can be good in a way that it is going to limit his game time, one the other hand it enforces that me vs them feeling and that is not good. It does not teach him anything in terms of dealing with responsible gaming and could lead to an increase of the time he uses on games in weekends or behind your back during weekdays. Not saying it does tho.
Perhaps a scheduled approach could be considered, but a schedule have to be realistic and he have to be in on it.    


This may be a bit of anti advise: But if he is good at the games he plays, and he have a dream of being a pro or part time gamer, then you could try to stimulate him into becoming more aware of what he needs to do to try and get there.

Good players do not just play a lot of hours, the tend to do video analysis, strategy training as well as training on other levels to improve e.g. physical or mental training. I do not know enough of the specific games but if it have team tournaments then perhaps encourage him to find a serious team and see if something comes out of it. It will perhaps not cure the addictiveness but if he have hopes of doing it pro, he might as well try it out and see if it is possible or if he enjoy it.

One of the things that is common and that reality really do not stand a chance when competing with video games is that they are build on the basis of instant feedback.

Someone might feel like the struggle in everyday living or find it hard to see where they are suppose to fit in or see they way to get there. In video games you just log in and you are there and the road ahead is pretty simple to see. You gradually see improvements that are hard to spot in everyday life, and that is very stimulating to be able to see the progress you make from day to day, hour to hour or even minute to minute.

It might be that he needs support in finding his feet in everyday life and perhaps a bit of help and guidance to set himself some goals, find out his dreams could be good(depending on the reasons behind him playing so much). Short term progress identifiers can be valuable so he can get a feeling of progress that he cannot see on his own. In that case perhaps a professional even a mentor may be a way to go.
See if there is any organisation that offer advise that you can contact, but remember best results always come when the person involved is in on it.

On a last note, it is going to take time and you are going to have to build "trust" once again when it comes to talking with him about his time used on gaming. If you are too frontal about it it will perhaps just blow into an argument that will change nothing. Take it slow and try to make him feel secure when it comes to the subject so that he hopefully will open up and you can get that key understanding of why he games so much.

Just my input on it.

Excellent advice, thank you for taking time to pen this. Or type it.

One of the comments you made reminds me that he is sufficiently serious (and good) at what he does that he has his own subscriber channel on YouTube where he puts montages for other gamers to view his play.

Engaging with him over this rather than resisting it seems to be the order of the day.

Thanks again for the advice.

[Burt]

Well said, Mr. Epsom.  On a tangent to gaming, my daughter graduated from University, came home and slowly slid into a depression. Recently, she did not leave the house for 3 months and then her room for a month. Stopped eating and 2 weeks into that I managed to get her into hospital. She is in the psychiatric ward now and will be there indefinitely until they identify the solution (if there is one).  I feel your pain and worries.  Whenever a child goes off the rails a bit, it is an awful experience.  I hope you find a solution to get him out of this, it does not sound healthy.

My solution to getting her into hospital was finally to take her at 11pm, leave her at the front door of the hospital and drive off. I had to, I think it is known as tough love. She is 26 so by law I cannot make any decisions for her regrading healthcare.

Thanks for your support Jarv, and for sharing the situation with your own daughter. That must be really tough, and I do hope things turn around for her.