NFR, advice re gaming addiction...

[Burt]

Hi,

Burt Jr. is racking up a serious amount of hours on his PS4, mainly Destiny, also the occasional foray in to Assassins Creed. All online multiplayer.

He has recently been putting in 15-hour stints. "It's school holidays, it's my time, so leave me alone" is the polite version of what he has said in response to our attempts to control things.

Instead of building a balanced approach to life where the PS4 forms part of that, it is the dominant thing in his life, he has no self control, it impacts his behaviour, it is wrecking his health and sleeping patterns, and he prioritizes it over everything else.

It has been an issue for the last couple of years now, so we have banned it during the school week and limit his time at weekends, and try and control it all through the BT homehub controls we have. However, it is easy to bypass those, so we took to unplugging the router and taking it to bed with us! However, he has now created his own hotspot via his mobile. Desperate man, desperate measures...

Has anyone else had to deal with such issues? Putting the physical aspects of restricting his time, I am more interested in how to get him to understand that he actually does have an addiction (he doesn't accept this and views it all as perfectly normal) and how we can work from there to having gaming as part of his life rather than the only thing in his life.

Thanks in advance...

Cheers

Burt

[Bronaldinho]

Let's just hope your not footing the bill for his hotspot! Can incur extra charges.

Tbh, I was the same when younger and still am to some extent.

But try and introduce him to new things, engage with him in hobbies, sport and creative stuff.

He may enjoy it more than gaming!

Damn, I used to play nearly 17 hours a day back in University and days off but it's often misunderstood in my eyes.

It's still an activity with friends if he is playing online and if that's what all his friends are doing too, it's hard for him to focus on something else.

Plus, if they are genuinely talented at the game, some people make a fortune through gaming.

Video games get a bad reputation, but you have to see from their side. If everyone else is doing it he/she wouldn't want to be left out.

But introducing them to other hobbies and other things can help :)

I live for football, but even I at 23 have 'gaming days'!

[Burt]

Let's just hope your not footing the bill for his hotspot! Can incur extra charges.

Tbh, I was the same when younger and still am to some extent.

But try and introduce him to new things, engage with him in hobbies, sport and creative stuff.

He may enjoy it more than gaming!

Damn, I used to play nearly 17 hours a day back in University and days off but it's often misunderstood in my eyes.

It's still an activity with friends if he is playing online and if that's what all his friends are doing too, it's hard for him to focus on something else.

Plus, if they are genuinely talented at the game, some people make a fortune through gaming.

Video games get a bad reputation, but you have to see from their side. If everyone else is doing it he/she wouldn't want to be left out.

But introducing them to other hobbies and other things can help :)

I live for football, but even I at 23 have 'gaming days'!

Thanks Mr. Bronaldinho...

He does come to the footy with me, and also swims a fair bit when he can be bothered to emerge from his cave.

I have tried to see it from his side, he does have good friends within his clan, he gets a lot of self-esteem from how good he is (he is high up the rankings in both games) and I also try and avoid the "in my day, we played in the gutter" type speeches as like it or not things have changed and people do socialize and communicate in different ways to when I was a teenager.

The odd gaming binge is fine, I get that. But for him it is all consuming and without our intervention it wouldn't stop. I just want to understand how to moderate his use, and encourage some balance with other stuff in his life, including schooling as he under-achieved big time in his AS levels and it's an important year coming up...

And yes, I am footing the bill for his hotspot, the last mobile phone bill was a bit of a shocker...!

[FPT]

I'm 20, so I can tell you that video gaming very much is a thing of this generation. I probably have had days where I sat playing my Xbox more often than not. Gaming is now it's own culture, people can do their hobby from the comfort of their own room whilst picking up all the information from the world on their phone or laptop and talking to their friends through the microphone.

The social experience of gaming with your friends is a much better one than anything else going on for a young person today. There's pretty much nothing to do for a young person to do cheaply unless you are going to rob a shop or nick a car - so why not sit down with my friends and play video games either together or simply playing different games and having a general chat?

Bron says something really good - introduce them to other hobbies. I think that's key for both the physical and social side, not only does it keep up the interaction face-to-face but it gets them off their arse and running (depending on the hobby). At my peak of playing video games, I were also playing county rugby so I was constantly meeting new people and getting a run out (I must add that I busted my knee and was on crutches for year - which did make having an Xbox a life saver).

I'm not a parent, nor close to it, so maybe I don't see it through those eyes, but as somebody who has 'grown out' of gaming but was a frequent player - I can tell you it is probably fairly normal. I would (again I'm not a parent) not restrict access to his console, but try to convince him to take up a hobby; maybe even one that isn't the 'norm' something like hockey (I don't know what Burt Jr is into).

I hope I've helped somewhat. Any questions of course, happy to help.

[Walsh]

Let's just hope your not footing the bill for his hotspot! Can incur extra charges.

Tbh, I was the same when younger and still am to some extent.

But try and introduce him to new things, engage with him in hobbies, sport and creative stuff.

He may enjoy it more than gaming!

Damn, I used to play nearly 17 hours a day back in University and days off but it's often misunderstood in my eyes.

It's still an activity with friends if he is playing online and if that's what all his friends are doing too, it's hard for him to focus on something else.

Plus, if they are genuinely talented at the game, some people make a fortune through gaming.

Video games get a bad reputation, but you have to see from their side. If everyone else is doing it he/she wouldn't want to be left out.

But introducing them to other hobbies and other things can help :)

I live for football, but even I at 23 have 'gaming days'!

PC or console?

I'm a PC gamer and there is nothing more addictive than PC gaming in my opinion. It wastes so much time and it's something I've only recently managed to sort out. Unfortunately it's something that he will have to change himself. There isn't much you can say to him that will make him stop.

The only thing I can think of is make him earn the games if he wants a new game.

[Nero]

get him a girlfriend, then you will be worried what hes up to in his cave all day,

[GloucesterWhite]

Don't want to be alarmist but sometimes they don't grow out of an addiction like that. My sister's boy experienced the same sort of addiction and, now 40, he works but still lives at home, has never had a girlfriend, and just hibernates into his room with his games. Very sad.

[valdeingruo]

I agree with the above sentiments. It's a part of culture and it allows mates to be with each other in a whole different   world not possible in real life. Hobbies outside of the ps4 is your best bet. If possible   get his ps4 mates involved.

[grandad]

Thankfully when I was a kid we spent every moment of daylight outside either playing football, cricket,tennis or cycling. We would make soap box carts, go fishing, go on train rides to places we have never been to. Thank goodness we never have the technology that kids have today. Modern kids are unfit, physically & mentally. Tell your boy to get a life. We are not on this earth for ever.

[Slaphead in Qatar]

he sounds like he has the type of personaility where if he likes something he takes it to the max.  this can be a strength as well. try to get him to try a few other hobbies or other things in life and he may transfer his this personaility type to something he equally likes but which is more worthwhile.

alternatively you could go cold turkey, and just outright ban him from his console immediately or over a period of time.  this may cause conflict in the short term but if he finds something he equally enjoys while he is banned then could be problem solved.

sorry to hear about your predicament, hope it gets resolved.

[elgreenio]

he'll more than likely grow out of it, I did.

Though you probably would have been better off misplacing the PS4 instead of messing about with the router.

Ultimately if you can get him away from it for any sustained period of time you'll find the desire to play will completely diminish (more in the fact that he'll be out of touch and not as good which I find is directly in correlation to the enjoyment/addiction level)

[rweller86]

Hi. My name's Robin and I have a gaming addiction. It have been clean for 18 hours.

On a serious note, it did ruin my A-levels and GCSEs, but I made up for it at university - although I did game a hell of a lot at uni too.

I have now moved in with my girlfriend who doesn't like gaming so it has been curved heavily since! When I get home after work, I normally try to squeeze in 30 mins of gaming before the other half gets home! She even complains about that!!

[Berserker]

I would speak to somebody at Gamblers Anonymous for advice. I'm sure they must get worried parents going to them. You needn't mention to your son that you are doing this,  but they will give you support and advice that will help you be able to deal with this problem.

My Brother has issues with his son who is 18, they are so so concerned about it. He went to a very very good school, is priviledge and now seems to be throwing it all away. He is secretive, hiding, disappearing etc. But he is such a lovely lad and is so polite but obviously going through some sort of angst.

[Logicalman]

Burt, I went through the same thing, with myself. I am also a serious online-gamer, though more via the PC now, it was in the past on PSN with CoD mainly.

Slowly I got out of it, but it is very hard habit to break, as many on here will know and understand. As you have discovered, banning and roadblocks are just things to overcome in the eyes of a serious gamer, so, as others have said, engage him in something else, take an interest in his gaming, and even join in every now and again (If you can), he might listen a little more if he doesn't feel an 'us and them' attitude towards you.

[epsomraver]

Have you tried teaching him to knock on people's front doors and run away. That should keep him occupied. The downside is that you may get some irate householder coming to your house demanding an explanation.
But hey it's a price worth paying, it's either that or Draughts.

there is a right and wrong time for silly remarks, the Guy has a problem that is worrying him and is is asking for help from others

[jarv]

Well said, Mr. Epsom.  On a tangent to gaming, my daughter graduated from University, came home and slowly slid into a depression. Recently, she did not leave the house for 3 months and then her room for a month. Stopped eating and 2 weeks into that I managed to get her into hospital. She is in the psychiatric ward now and will be there indefinitely until they identify the solution (if there is one).  I feel your pain and worries.  Whenever a child goes off the rails a bit, it is an awful experience.  I hope you find a solution to get him out of this, it does not sound healthy.

My solution to getting her into hospital was finally to take her at 11pm, leave her at the front door of the hospital and drive off. I had to, I think it is known as tough love. She is 26 so by law I cannot make any decisions for her regrading healthcare.

[Northern Cottager]

Let's just hope your not footing the bill for his hotspot! Can incur extra charges.

Tbh, I was the same when younger and still am to some extent.

But try and introduce him to new things, engage with him in hobbies, sport and creative stuff.

He may enjoy it more than gaming!

Damn, I used to play nearly 17 hours a day back in University and days off but it's often misunderstood in my eyes.

It's still an activity with friends if he is playing online and if that's what all his friends are doing too, it's hard for him to focus on something else.

Plus, if they are genuinely talented at the game, some people make a fortune through gaming.

Video games get a bad reputation, but you have to see from their side. If everyone else is doing it he/she wouldn't want to be left out.

But introducing them to other hobbies and other things can help :)

I live for football, but even I at 23 have 'gaming days'!

PC or console?

I'm a PC gamer and there is nothing more addictive than PC gaming in my opinion. It wastes so much time and it's something I've only recently managed to sort out. Unfortunately it's something that he will have to change himself. There isn't much you can say to him that will make him stop.

The only thing I can think of is make him earn the games if he wants a new game.

You're a proper nerd though, Walsh.

[King_Crud]

I managed to ween myself off gaming, by old age. At age 37 my reflexes just became a bit rubbish, so I stopped.

I don't see gaming as a problem per se, if it's not affecting anything else, if he's a bright lad and underachieving then tough love may be the way to do it. Let's face it, most of us as teenagers were horrible shits at some point, no matter what approach you take they still won't listen

[Slaphead in Qatar]

Have you tried teaching him to knock on people's front doors and run away. That should keep him occupied. The downside is that you may get some irate householder coming to your house demanding an explanation.
But hey it's a price worth paying, it's either that or Draughts.

there is a right and wrong time for silly remarks, the Guy has a problem that is worrying him and is is asking for help from others

I was being serious, who are you his Minder ?

you were being serious? so you think the remedy for gaming addiction is to play knock and run?

[..Kya.ffc..]

(...)engage him in something else, take an interest in his gaming, and even join in every now and again (If you can), he might listen a little more if he doesn't feel an 'us and them' attitude towards you.

Gaming addictions is a hard one to overcome. The above quote is really good advise especially the thing about you trying out the game(s) and perhaps playing a little yourself. It may help to break down any distance that normally occurs between parent and a child with a gaming addiction and help you gain some insight on what he is spending his time on.

Gaming in itself is not that bad but as anything else overuse and addictiveness is. Try not to build a fence between you and him with negativity and try to be proactive as much a possible. Do not lose sight on some of the benefits that is involved with being a gamer.

Talk to him about what it is he gets out of gaming, what is his hopes, perhaps dreams with it. I could be he is trying to escape from reality or perhaps he dreams of becoming a pro gamer, just having a laugh or whatever. Whatever the reason behind it is, It will help if he and you are aware of the reasons behind it - AND THIS IS KEY, to any further actions you may want to take.

You could try to get him to do a log for himself so that he can keep track on how much time he puts into it, of cause he will have to be honest with himself, but it can be an eye opener.

I was about to write back and forth on use of schedules why they often fail but how they can be good but again this is very case by case based. You said that you banned him from gaming on weekdays though and I have a small comment on that.
It can be good in a way that it is going to limit his game time, one the other hand it enforces that me vs them feeling and that is not good. It does not teach him anything in terms of dealing with responsible gaming and could lead to an increase of the time he uses on games in weekends or behind your back during weekdays. Not saying it does tho.
Perhaps a scheduled approach could be considered, but a schedule have to be realistic and he have to be in on it.    


This may be a bit of anti advise: But if he is good at the games he plays, and he have a dream of being a pro or part time gamer, then you could try to stimulate him into becoming more aware of what he needs to do to try and get there.

Good players do not just play a lot of hours, the tend to do video analysis, strategy training as well as training on other levels to improve e.g. physical or mental training. I do not know enough of the specific games but if it have team tournaments then perhaps encourage him to find a serious team and see if something comes out of it. It will perhaps not cure the addictiveness but if he have hopes of doing it pro, he might as well try it out and see if it is possible or if he enjoy it.

One of the things that is common and that reality really do not stand a chance when competing with video games is that they are build on the basis of instant feedback.

Someone might feel like the struggle in everyday living or find it hard to see where they are suppose to fit in or see they way to get there. In video games you just log in and you are there and the road ahead is pretty simple to see. You gradually see improvements that are hard to spot in everyday life, and that is very stimulating to be able to see the progress you make from day to day, hour to hour or even minute to minute.

It might be that he needs support in finding his feet in everyday life and perhaps a bit of help and guidance to set himself some goals, find out his dreams could be good(depending on the reasons behind him playing so much). Short term progress identifiers can be valuable so he can get a feeling of progress that he cannot see on his own. In that case perhaps a professional even a mentor may be a way to go.
See if there is any organisation that offer advise that you can contact, but remember best results always come when the person involved is in on it.

On a last note, it is going to take time and you are going to have to build "trust" once again when it comes to talking with him about his time used on gaming. If you are too frontal about it it will perhaps just blow into an argument that will change nothing. Take it slow and try to make him feel secure when it comes to the subject so that he hopefully will open up and you can get that key understanding of why he games so much.

Just my input on it.