One Liners To Lift The Next Manager Gloom.

[Fulham Tup North]

Two snowmen in a field & one says to the other "Can you smell Carrots?"
Father Christmas got stuck up a chimney..... He suffered from Claustraphobia!
A chap went to the Doctors with a Christmas Pud stuck up his bum! The Dr said"I've got some cream for that"!
What did the sea say to Father Christmas?  Nothing, it just waved.
Why are obnoxious Christmas Tree's so fond of the past?  Because the presents are beneath them!
Christmas alphabets are different to normal alphabets, because they have Noel.
4 Stages of a males life. 1) You believe in Santa Claus 2) You don't believe in Santa Claus 3) You dress up like Santa Claus 4) You look like Santa Claus!
:merry christmas:

[Holders]

Two parrots on a perch - one says "can you smell fish?".

[colinwhite]

Two nuns in the bathtub together .nun1 "Wheres the soap " nun2 "yes it does doesnt it?"

[Andy S]

What's Black & white and re(a)d all over? It used to be a newspaper but I guess it could be a kindle now or some other device

[f321ffc]

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals

:merry christmas:  082.gif :beer: :wine: 049:gif :merry christmas:

[OdecaMynoT]

Those sprouts I had yesterday came from Germany.............. they lied about the emissions again. :merry christmas:

[Dr Know]

Those sprouts I had yesterday came from Germany.............. they lied about the emissions again. :merry christmas:

Germany.    The farter land

[Andy S]

Mother Superior was having a long leisurely bath. Suddenly there is a knock on the bathroom door. The novice Nun Called, there is a blind man to see you Mother, The nun believing him to be blind said show him in. The man entered and said "Hello Lady where do you want these blinds

[win-dup]

The human cannonball goes up to the ring master and says, Boss being shout of a cannon three times a night is making me ill, can you release me from my contract?
And the ring master says, Certainly not, where would I find another man of your calibre?

[One James stannard]

Venisons dear.

Dwarf shortage.

What for you get if you cross a football team with a flower seller....





Nottingham florist  :drums:

[AnotherVicHalomLoveChild]

Not a one liner however.....

A rabbit walks into a bar & asks for a pint of best bitter & a toasted ham sandwich
The barman thinks that's odd but serves the rabbit anyway
The next night the rabbit walks in & asks for a pint of best bitter & a toasted cheese sandwich
Again the barman thinks that's odd but serves the rabbit anyway
On the third night the rabbit walks in & this time asks for a pint of best bitter & a toasted ham & cheese sandwich
Again the barman thinks this is odd but serves the rabbit anyway
The rabbit is suddenly very sick & the barman asks him what the matter is
The rabbit says I'm sorry but I've got mixing me toasties!

Mike Rigg then walks in & asks for a pint of best bitter & a toasted ham & cheese sani & is suddenly very sick
The barman asks what's the matter
Mike Rigg apologises & says I've been mixing me coachies!

Boom! Boom!

[One James stannard]

Two nuns in the bathtub together .nun1 "Wheres the soap " nun2 "yes it does doesnt it?"

A friend of mine told me this joke years ago, I didn't get it then and I still don't get it now. I'm i just being really thick??  :dft001:

[LBNo11]

Two nuns in the bathtub together .nun1 "Wheres the soap " nun2 "yes it does doesnt it?"

A friend of mine told me this joke years ago, I didn't get it then and I still don't get it now. I'm i just being really thick??  :dft001:

...substitute where's the soap for 'wears the soap' a clean referral to the supposed practise of onanism with those in holy orders...

[One James stannard]

Two nuns in the bathtub together .nun1 "Wheres the soap " nun2 "yes it does doesnt it?"

A friend of mine told me this joke years ago, I didn't get it then and I still don't get it now. I'm i just being really thick??  :dft001:

...substitute where's the soap for 'wears the soap' a clean referral to the supposed practise of onanism with those in holy orders...

That's the only thing Could think of, in my opinion just an unfunny joke

[BigbadBillyMcKinley]

There's literally only one "one liner". The definition of a one liner is a joke that is complete in one line, like "velcro. What a rip off".

Sent from my SM-A500FU using Tapatalk

[Delboy]

We've got the wife's mother for Christmas dinner, I wanted turkey but was over ruled.  Boom boom.

[WhiteJC]

from Tim Vine...

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library'. I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'"

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this is my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands?' I said 'We'll start with one.'

He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin? Still, at least it's comfortable on Eurostar, it's murder on the Orient Express...

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best Before End...'

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me, "How many potatoes would you like Tim?". I said "Ooh, I'll just have one please". She said "It's OK, you don?t have to be polite" "Alright" I said "I'll just have one then, you stupid cow"

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

I was looking for the directions for Radio 1 in London, and a guy pointed me in the direction of the building. I said: "That's not a building, thats a cloud!" He said: "Down a bit"

I have spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Draculas house I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui I want to tell you a bit about myself.. I'm a very quiet and secretive person, and that's it really. "

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny, you couldn't swing a cat in there.

My mate bet with me that I'd never eat at a barbecque with Matthew Corbett - I said, that's a Sweep-Stake!

A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!

So I went to the record shop and I said "What have you got by The Doors?" He said: "A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!"

What do you call a lady with big teeth that sleeps in the afternoon? Siesta Rantzen.

I've got a friend who has got a butler whose left arm is missing - serves him right.

I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: "What does surrender mean?" I said: "I give up!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/timvinejokes.html

[dgnffc]

Two goldfish swimming round a tank. One says to the other "So how do you drive this thing then?"

[colinwhite]

Two nuns in the bathtub together .nun1 "Wheres the soap " nun2 "yes it does doesnt it?"

A friend of mine told me this joke years ago, I didn't get it then and I still don't get it now. I'm i just being really thick??  :dft001:

...substitute where's the soap for 'wears the soap' a clean referral to the supposed practise of onanism with those in holy orders...

That's the only thing Could think of, in my opinion just an unfunny joke

Sorry poor joke i agree. It was one of the only short ones i remember from 40 years agoas i couldnt work it out at first either !
Merry christmas !

[Airfix]

An RAF fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a flying carpet on each side of his plane with machine guns on board. Sensing danger he shot them down. Back at base he got a right bo!!ocking - apparently they were Allied Carpets!

This reminds me of a story that Frederick Forsyth told in one of his novels - I think it was Fist of God...

During the first Gulf War, in several cases the United States Air Force was sharing airfield space with squadrons of the British Royal Air Force. As the aircrews shared a common language, communication was easy, informal, and friendly. Occasionally, however, misunderstandings did occur. A notable one concerned a secret British location known only as MMFD.

On an early training mission, a British Tornado had been asked by the air traffic controller whether it had reached a certain turning point. The pilot replied that he had not, he was still over MMFD.

As time went by, many American pilots heard of this place and scoured their maps to find it. It was a puzzle for two reasons: The British apparently spent a lot of time over it, and it was not located on any American air map. The theory was floated that it might be a mishearing of KKMC, which stood for King Khaled Military City, a large Saudi base. This was discounted, and the search went on. Finally the Americans gave up. Wherever MMFD was located, it was simply not to be found on the war maps supplied to USAF squadrons by their planners in Riyadh.

Eventually the Tornado pilots admitted the secret of MMFD. It stood for "miles and miles of ****ing desert."