OK, No football, so let's hear your Christmas Cracker jokes!

[Woolly Mammoth]

You know your ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

[f321ffc]

Hey Woolly have you opened all the crackers? :merry christmas:

[Woolly Mammoth]

Police arrested two boys yesterday. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one, and let the other one off.

[Woolly Mammoth]

Hey Woolly have you opened all the crackers? :merry christmas:

Hey Woolly have you opened all the crackers? :merry christmas:

Nearly all of them. Wait till the wife finds out, I shall be in massive trouble.

:merry christmas:

[Woolly Mammoth]

Relationships are very much like Algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y.

[Woolly Mammoth]

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other does he taste funny to you.

[Woolly Mammoth]

The first time I got a Universal Remote Control. I thought to myself, this changes everything.

[Woolly Mammoth]

Love means nothing to a tennis player.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I use to be a Banker but I lost interest.

[Woolly Mammoth]

Ist man to 2nd man. " did you once have an uncle"?
2nd man. " Yes thats right I did ".
1st man . " is he still alive "?
2nd man. " no he fell through a trap door and broke his neck ".
1st man . " was he building a house"? 
2nd man. " no, they were hanging him".

[Woolly Mammoth]

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job.
But when I got home all the signs were there.

[rogerpbackinMidEastUS]

Please arrested 2 brothers.
One was drinking battery acid, the other eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other off.

A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it!'

'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual....'

[f321ffc]

What do reindeer hang on their Christmas trees?
Horn-aments!

[Vinnieffc]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?  Two but don't know how they got threre

[bobbo]

Well done woolly, this OP was like open shooting season for you. Love it

[Woolly Mammoth]

 

Well done woolly, this OP was like open shooting season for you. Love it

Cheers Bobbo

[Fulham Tup North]

I phoned up a builder and said I want a skip outside my house, he said "well, I'm not stopping you!

[Fulham Tup North]

A policeman stopped me and said "Can you blow into this bag please Sir". I said why? He said,  " Because my chips are hot "

[BestOfBrede]

What do you do when you see a spaceman?
Park in it man!

[Woolly Mammoth]

This bloke said to me the other night. " do you believe in Ghosts". I replied, " no I do not you Elizabethan Sailor, stick your head back on, and get out of my bedroom "