OK as its quiet on here let's have some jokes.

[Woolly Mammoth]

My bears diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me.
The vet says he is getting better, but he is not out of the woods yet.
🐻

[Woolly Mammoth]

I noticed on the bookies window today, it said
' Open on a Sunday 11-2 '

I shall have a tenner on that, it was open last Sunday.

[Harry Bayles]

Bloke goes for a job as a lion tamer, Ringmaster hands him a whip and says if a Lion comes towards you,you crack the whip once if it carries on coming towards you crack your whip twice, if it still comes towards you crack your whip 3 times. And if it still keeps coming bend down and pick up a handful of s**t and throw it at him, what if there is no s**t replies the bloke, oh believe me there will be! says the ringmaster

[Woolly Mammoth]

If you were locked in a room with a Lion and Cobra and a QPR supporter, and you had a revolver with 2 Bullets, who would you shoot ?

The QPR supporter twice.

[f321ffc]

My wife asked me to pass her lipstick, a bit distracted I accidentally gave her the super glue. She's still not talking to me .

[Woolly Mammoth]

My wife asked me to pass her lipstick, a bit distracted I accidentally gave her the super glue. She's still not talking to me .

My wife is getting so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint roller. 

[f321ffc]

A woman weightlifter goes to the doctors.

"I've been taking steroids, and now I've grown a cock!"

"Anabolic?" asks the doctor

"No, just a cock'

[f321ffc]

A while back I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. I grabbed a card on my way in. It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind. So I'm in my room and figure, what the heck, I'll give her a call. "Hello?" the woman says. Wow! she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring handcuffs, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night, Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic,...... but for an outside line Sir, you need to press 9."

[Woolly Mammoth]

The anti aging advert I would like to see, is a baby covered in cream saying aaaagh I have used far too much.