OK as its quiet on here let's have some jokes.

[f321ffc]

Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing.           

Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this flagpole,but we don't have a ladder.'The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a fewbolts  and laid the flagpole down.

She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.           

Then, she walked off. Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde! We need the bloody height, and she gives us the length.

[toshes mate]

After Monday & Tuesday  even the week says WTF .....

[Logicalman]

A wife asked her hubby how she could make their sex life more exciting.
He responds that she needs to start moaning a bit
The next night they're in bed, 5 minutes into the love making she says "That ceiling needs painting, and the toilet still leaks ...."

[Logicalman]

A Policeman came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife "Is this your wife?" he asked. "Yes", I replied. He said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been involved in a car accident".

''I know, but she has a lovely personality', I replied.

Brilliant.. that reminds of the old ditty:

She was nice, She was fair,
She had no teeth, She had no hair,
One eye was glass, One leg was wood,
But what was left, was very good!

[f321ffc]

 I went to my local pub and it turned out  a real wild night, drink, drugs and wild sex,  in the morning I woke up next to a really ugly woman.  That's when  I realised  I had made it home safely.

[Mince n Tatties]

Fella goes into a Pet Shop and says I wanna buy a Wasp.
A Wasp said the owner,Yes said the fella I wanna buy a wasp.
Sorry mate we don't sell Wasps.
!What You Got That One In The Window For Then!

[Woolly Mammoth]

Paddy was working in his Company's Machine shop using an electronic cutter, when he accidentally cut his ear off. He turned to his work colleague Mick, saying can you help me Mick, I have just accidentally cut my own ear off and I can't find it. So Mick started looking for it and eventually found an ear amongst the floor cuttings. He went over to Paddy and said I have found your ear, here it is, Paddy took one look at it, and said, ' that's not my ear, mine had a pencil behind it '.

[Dodgin]

Four gravediggers wandering around with a coffin. They had lost  the plot

[Woolly Mammoth]

Bloke answered an advert for a Handyman.
In the interview he was asked if he could Carry out painting and decorating, he said he couldn't. He was asked if he could do carpentry, which he replied no I can't.
He was then asked if he could do some electrical work, as simple as changing a plug, he said he couldn't do that either.
The interviewer then asked if he was any good at plumbing, to which he replied, no way.
So the Interviewer scratched his head and asked him, what's handy about you then ?
The bloke replied, " well I only live round the corner ".

[sunburywhite]

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction...

Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

[f321ffc]

My wife has been missing for 3 days now.

Last night I had the Police around the house , and they told me to prepare for the worst.

So I've spent most of today going around the charity shops trying to get her clothes back.

[kevin]

How do you get down from a cow ......you don't you get down from a duck

[Woolly Mammoth]

I once employed an odd job man, but he wasn't very good.
I gave him a list of eight jobs to do, and he only did numbers 1,3 5 and 7.

[Forever Fulham]

My wife insists on turning off the lights when we make love.  That doesn't bother me.  It's the hiding that seems so cruel.

[f321ffc]

A Nurse walks in on a Psychiatric patient rubbing his dick between 2 biscuits.

"What are you doing?" she asks

He relies, " I'm f ***ing crackers"

[Woolly Mammoth]

I am a hunt saboteur, I go out the night before and shoot the fox. 

[sunburywhite]

Somebody stole all the toilet seats from the police station

The police don't have anything to go on

[toshes mate]

I am a hunt saboteur, I go out the night before and shoot the fox. 

Billy the Badger reports he is very sad about that.....

[Woolly Mammoth]

My cat is recovering from a massive stroke. 😺

[Woolly Mammoth]

When I was in the army my sergeant said to me, " what does surrender mean " ?
I thought about it for a while, couldn't think of an answer, so I replied " Ok, I give up ".