OK as its quiet on here let's have some jokes.

[Woolly Mammoth]

If you own a calender, your days are numbered.

[RaySmith]

Wanted poster for The Brown Paper Bag Kid.
Description - brown paper bag hat, brown paper bag shirt, brown paper bag trousers.

What was he wanted for?
Rustling.

[toshes mate]

The Past, the Present & the Future go into a bar.  They were all tense. 
The barman not knowing if anyone else was going to turn up asks "Are you all here?".
"We're not all present." came the reply.

[Woolly Mammoth]

Two Ariels meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony was poor but the reception was brilliant.

[f321ffc]

A Policeman came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife "Is this your wife?" he asked. "Yes", I replied. He said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been involved in a car accident".

''I know, but she has a lovely personality', I replied.

[bod]

Being a little overweight, my wife suggested that I walk 5 miles a day - by the end of the week I was 35 miles away!

[Woolly Mammoth]

A closed mouth gathers no foot. 

[Funky Fulham Dave]

I was looking up at my ceiling the other day.

Not sure if it's the best ceiling, but it's definitely up there.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I have been trying to push the envelope at work, but it's still stationary.

[f321ffc]

I was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked me where was going at that time of night.

"I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

I replied, my wife.

[bod]

Just think, if the cat has been facing the other way Percy Shaw would have invented the pencil sharpener.

[bod]

My wife slapped me - 'that's for having a small penis!'
I slapped her harder - 'that's for knowing  the difference!'

[f321ffc]

I just went up into attic and found a present I forgot to give the kids at Christmas.



It's a shame, they would have loved that puppy.

[toshes mate]

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?... He's 0K now.

[epsomraver]

Wheres Mr Peabody?

[Woolly Mammoth]

The delivery driver asked me what time it was, I said, somewhere between 8.30am and 6pm.

[Funky Fulham Dave]

Despite my dear wife's sincere defence, I've come to the conclusion that her latest designer handbag is a straight forward open and shut case.

[Woolly Mammoth]

The midget Fortune Teller who kills his customers, is a small medium at large.

[Funky Fulham Dave]

I thought I was a werewolf, but I'm alright nowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww......

[Woolly Mammoth]

I went to see the Doctor last week, and he gave me 4 months to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 20 years, problem solved.