OK as its quiet on here let's have some jokes.

[keithh]

My wife has been missing for 10 days & last night the police came round and said "Be prepared for the worst", so I retrieved her clothes from the charity shop.

[Wearethewhites]

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

The thread says' Lets have some jokes' not 'multiple one-liners from the same member' overpowering everything else.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

The thread says' Lets have some jokes' not 'multiple one-liners from the same member' overpowering everything else.

If I agreed with you, we would both be wrong.

[Woolly Mammoth]

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

The thread says' Lets have some jokes' not 'multiple one-liners from the same member' overpowering everything else.

Now that you have rattled my cage.
Here's one for you.

The toilet of the Starship Enterprise contains the Captains Log.

[Southcoastffc]

My missus just split up with me because she thinks I'm obsessed with football.
I'm a bit gutted about it; we'd been going out for 3 seasons.

[f321ffc]

Police have found a local ice cream man dead in the back of his van. He was covered in nuts, sauce and sprinkle. Police think that he topped himself!

[f321ffc]

A little boy was lost at a large shopping centre , he approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer,  football and women with big boobs."

[Woolly Mammoth]

A bloke walks into a bar with a pair of jump leads in his hand. The barman says I will serve you providing you don't start anything.

[The Rock]

"Three tomatoes are walking down the street, papa tomato, mama tomato and baby tomato. Baby tomato starts lagging behind and papa tomato gets really angry, goes back and squishes him and says "Ketchup".

[f321ffc]

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some breakfast? bacon and eggs  or maybe  some toast, grapefruit and coffee?
He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this
Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.
At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. ' A bowl of soup,
homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'
He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.
Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a chicken stir fry?'
He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra . . . I'm still not hungry.'

Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm fu##ing starving.'

[Woolly Mammoth]

Ime addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want.

[Woolly Mammoth]

A bloke walks into a Doctors Surgery with a Monkey on his head, and the Doctor asks, how can I help you ? and the Monkey replied, can you get this flaming geezer off my backside. 

[f321ffc]

My wife Suggested I get get a penis enlarger.
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So I did.
She's 18 and her name's Françoise.

[New Kid on the Block]

I don't like wearing condoms when having sex, as I hate the smell of burning rubber.

[mrmicawbers]

NO more Christmas Cracker jokes.Please

[Woolly Mammoth]

A thief who stole a callender, got 12 months.

[Woolly Mammoth]

NO more Christmas Cracker jokes.Please

As you like Christmas Cracker Jokes, here is one especially for you.
What is the best Christmas present in the world ?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it.

[keithh]

That reminds me of the schoolboy joke - what's the difference between a mat, an egg & a bit of the other - you can beat a at, you can beat an egg but................

[Dr Know]

Whats the difference between a buffolo and a bison ?  You cant wash your hands in a buffolo !

[sussexwhite]

Two parrots, sitting on a perch and one says to the other "can you smell fish ?"